[MilehighDad]

I went back and checked your other posts and profile because Lorraine is right that with this kid the rest of your family should be considered. So, you have a daughter headed off to college and no younger kids, so those worries can be set aside.

I wouldn't put a lot of weight behind the issue when he was four unless it has created continuing issues since then. Foster parents and social workers tend to be hyper-sensitive to sexual issues so if there are any you should hear about them. If there are any, it is a very personal decision you need to make on what you can handle, and you should not expect that those issues will change significantly.

There are lots of posts about RAD on this board, so you've probably heard them already. RAD is very hard on parents, particularly moms, for a lot of reasons. You have to be emotionally strong and love the child with no hope of any love returned for many years. RAD makes a parent feel worthless and depressed, so if you are vulnerable to that it can be really rough.

I will say a bit more about PTSD, because that isn't talked about as much. Having a kid with PTSD is like living in a B-movie or on a set of Star Trek where your mind just doesn't even want to accept that it is real, but it is. Kids with PTSD can delete portions of their memory, collapse like they are unconscious when stressed, and jump back to a time in their past so that they don't know you, where they are, or how they got there. The missing memory is permanent, they can be unconscious for hours, and the flashbacks can last for hours until they fall asleep. It is really hard to get a teenager who thinks she is eight to fall asleep, particularly if there is a mirror in her room. If I'm describing it right, this sounds kind of crazy and unbelievable.

Living through PTSD episodes is extremely stressful. PTSD is generally triggered by stress, and kids are at their most stressed when they've done something wrong and it is punishment time. If you have a kid who dissociates (the unconsciousness) when they have broken a rule and are caught, it becomes really hard to figure out how to discipline them. Additionally, the stress of breaking the rule may cause them to delete the memory that they ever did anything wrong. And, I'm not talking about little things like stealing candy from the cupboard, I'm talking big things that would get adults sent to jail. How do you address, punish, or teach about anything that your kid has deleted from their memory? Also, there is the additional complication that they may just be lying about whether or not they know what you're talking about. All this can create a very, very challenging situation for the parents.

Sometimes, parents refuse to believe in the impact of PTSD and just ignore it. So, if the kid has done something wrong they are punished regardless. If PTSD is involved, this may undermine any trust the kid has in the parent because they remember being punished but have no idea why. The parent has no trust in the kid and sees them making no progress, because the kid refuses to ever acknowledge that they did anything wrong. Go down this road and the family is headed for a disruption because there is no trust and no way to make progress.

So far, I just wanted to give you some information. Don't take any of that as advice on whether you should adopt this preteen or not. Twice, we have looked at information like you have on him and decided we wanted to take that child into our family. We knew both times that it would be very hard. We knew the first time that we desperately wanted to change her life and give her a chance to heal and feel welcome in this world. We knew the second time that we had the capability to deal with what she would throw at us because we had been battle-tested. We don't yet know how their lives will turn out, but we have seen our oldest daughter make incredible progress. I have never regretted either decision to adopt.

So, my advice is that this kid will be one of the hard ones. If you're nervous about that, there are many, many kids in foster care who also need you desperately and won't present as intense of a challenge. If you're willing to take him on, do it with all your heart, your commitment, and a willingness to look at parenting differently than you have in the past. I wish you the best and thank you for getting involved for these kids.