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Thank You.
I've seen HORRID parents who were chose to be parents because of society or other pressures. I've seen birthparents with a regret for the situation they found themselves in, but who are 100% ok with having placed (as their decision). I've seen the MOST bparent's grief is the heaviest when they wanted to parent, but either felt unable, or feared it or were tricked into placing.
Placing from FEAR of being a parent isn't a good reason either.
Where there's a will there's a way. Pretty much sums it up. No matter what you want, there's a way to make it happen. It may take time and effort, but anything is possible if you want it badly enough to do anything for it. I would never presume to tell another woman she should place or keep her child. I just want people to know there's no "normal" "standard" of placing. It's all what fits your needs best.
My dd was placed as an older child in a private adoption.
My dd doesn't feel rejected in the least (now), (even though it was classic textbook "she's naughty, I don't want her" reasons that were given). She understands emotional trauma and issues regarding abuse. She recognizes that being loved with her bmoms WHOLE HEART means actually very little evidence of her love and nearly no contact....because her bmom's heart simply isn't whole. She understands she may never get the closeness in their relationship that one would have with a mother. And she knows that S knew this, and placed her for that reason. Because she wanted A to be raised by parents who could do the job that she simply couldn't. It was too painful for her to have a mother/child relationship. So she loves her as best she can from far away...where she is comfortable and peaceful.
I would welcome more contact personally. But this is ok too. I am letting her have full control over contact because her emotional well being is more fragile than my daughter's. Sometimes it's a solid year in-between contact, other times, it's daily for months on end.
I have hours and hours of video, but even that is too much. A few pics and some newsy updates every once in a while is all she can accept.
I really wish society could understand and support a woman's decision NOT to be a parent (this way). I know most her issues probably come from feeling like she is a bad mom for giving away her child....and that she should feel ashamed of her decision. I say, it's amazing that she made the choice she did. No one should feel obligated to be a parent. No child should be raised to feel they were a inescabable burden. Better to say, I'm not currently cut out for this job. Than to fake it for years and years to the detriment of the child. (my own personal childhood experience).
This being said, EVERY pregnancy since my dd was placed, I fervently hope that this time she'll have healed enough to do the job. So far after 6 kids, I've bee wrong. But it still breaks my heart for her everytime, knowing she's still in so much pain from her own traumatic past and lacking the real emotional support to make it work.
She is a great mom to infants, even to young toddlers, but once they have opinions and need a deeper connection with you, it's all too much to handle.
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