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I turned 21 in July last year, and I spend months before my birthday wondering if I would receive a letter from my birthmother. It meant more to me than I could say, and never told anyone how much it ripped me apart when my birthday came and went, without contact from either of my birthparents.
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my relinquished daughter turns 23 this next sunday.... she doesn't want me or her sisters in her life..... and because of issues with her adoptive father, i have felt it was disrespectful for me to contact her..... as her birthday approaches though.... i do think about her... and the day of her birth.... and how much adoption has hurt me. there is only sadness in it .... betrayal...
if i thought she actually cared, i think i would like to wish her happy birthday.... but since i am pretty sure she doesn't ever give me a second thought.... it seems irrelevant....
i think i am going to do something different this year... i think i am going to take a day off on her birthday.... and spend it by myself.... (I have a husband and four kids.... so it's a challenge to be alone for a whole day!)
and i am going to allow myself to grieve.... all that was lost.... and just have that day to myself.
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I've spent so long hoping she was thought about me, and just wishing that I meant something to her. In the photo where she is giving her baby daughter her first bath, she is looking at her so lovingly, and holding her so gently as if she might break. I cant help but think, did she ever look at me that way? Did she look at me and smile, or was it a relief when they took me away?
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i looked at her that way.... even in reunion. my oldest raised daughter once said to me that i seemed so happy when the relinquished daughter was around....
it was the most devastating day of my life to be separated from my baby.... a day of great agony and suffering....
there was not any relief. no.... no relief. just pain... sadness.... crushing grief.