[emmacj]

Hello,

My name is Emma & I am new to all of this. I've never really spoken to anyone about my feelings on being adopted, but I can't just deal with it on my own anymore.

I have always known I was adopted, and have had a happy life with my adoptive parents. There is nothing they could have done more in raising me. I recently turned 21, and it's like a switch was turned on. I just wish I could turn it off again.

I met my birthfather when I was 12. He was married (not to my birthmother) with three young boys, and a newborn daughter. I was so thrilled that he wanted to meet me, and at last, I had brothers and a sister! Unfortunately, this was short lived, as his wife was unhappy with him meeting me, and although we involved her and the children as much as we could (we never saw my birthfather without them there) she believed that he was spending too much time with me (I saw him roughly twice a year). She became extremely nasty (I was 13 by this time) and contact eventually ceased. I still have contact with his parents, who are beautiful, and two of his nieces.

This event was one of the most traumatic of my life. I was sexually abused when I was 14, and I genuinely have trouble deciding which event is holding me back the most (I'm not using this example in general, just for me personally).

A few years passed, and I decided to write to my birthmother. I had always been curious about what she looked like, if she had any children, etc. I received a letter, and photos back, which was fantastic. She has six children, and had just given birth to her last daughter when I made contact (so much for being worried about not having brothers or sisters!). We exchanged a few letters, and due to events in my life, I didn't write back to her last letter. Not because I didn't want to, but time just got away and before I knew it, four years have passed. The baby daughter she was bringing home would be in kinder now.

I turned 21 in July last year, and I spend months before my birthday wondering if I would receive a letter from my birthmother. It meant more to me than I could say, and never told anyone how much it ripped me apart when my birthday came and went, without contact from either of my birthparents.

I've spent so long hoping she was thought about me, and just wishing that I meant something to her. In the photo where she is giving her baby daughter her first bath, she is looking at her so lovingly, and holding her so gently as if she might break. I cant help but think, did she ever look at me that way? Did she look at me and smile, or was it a relief when they took me away?

This has become a constant source of grief for me, and I just needed a place to vent. I need some help.. I literally have sores under my eyes from crying myself to sleep. I just need to know she loves me.

Thank you for listening.