[MilehighDad]

Lucky_13,
Well, one long message deserves another! I'm pretty much going to just stick with what I have said before, yes she can be saved. You have clearly been very diligent in finding out what she has been through and why. Lots of people have been very forthcoming about how hard it was for them, as well. Most of those people are drawing a line through her behaviors and concluding that it is all coming from her and you will have a miserable time. I think you're actually closer to the truth with your festering analogy: her behavior is from her past and her continued fear of what is going to happen next. What she needs is to be respected and loved and made to feel safe. Most of all, she must feel safe, and that can't happen when she doesn't know where she will live next month. Yes, it is very hard to love and help her when she screams in the middle of Wal Mart, but even if they kick you out, if you call and explain later, they'll let you come back. I know this from experience.

If you compare the worst she's done to how traumatizing it is to be rejected by one family after another, I think she's actually behaving exactly the way I would expect. Of course she's mad and completely terrified. Of course she can't control her anger, because when she has lost control of her anger in the past it meant the loss of her home. Therefore, as soon as she starts to feel angry with a parent, she is immediatly, horribly terrified that she is going to be kicked out. Those feelings can't be contained, and another tantrum ensues. We have seen this firsthand with a girl much like you are describing. We're not through it yet, but the key is to show her that you are not going to give up on her.

Also, many of those instances come from danger to younger children, and I would agree that this is a kid who shouldn't be placed with siblings close to or younger than she is. Parents in their 60's also may be challenged to handle a kid who gets a bit physical.

Finally, I say over and over again that classic parenting does not work with these kids. That's where the parent always assumes control over the child when something happens by "increasing the stakes" in some way. Often, this is with increasing punishment as the behavior goes haywire, or it may be just with becoming more stern and yelling and enforcing your will. Sometimes, when they are at their maddest and most out of control, all you can do is sit calmly and watch. But, continuing to argue with them and try to control may just add fuel to the fire. And, being unconventional continues after their tantrum. You may be really mad and upset, but what they need to know is that you love and accept them. Sending them to their room to cry it off and then sleep until morning may just send the message that the only person they can count on is themselves. The first sign that made me believe our daughter was making progress was when she let me scratch her back while she sobbed her head off immediately after collapsing in the middle of a rage.

I know you will hear again and again that some kids can't live in a home. But, again and again those same kids get their third or fourth or fifth placement and then it finally works. Did the kid actually learn something from being traumatized with moves and change? I don't think so. Unfortunately, it means that those families failed to do what was necessary to raise a kid like her. That is very hard on everyone and I don't have a perfect solution. But, my opinion was summarized before, you have to love them, accept them, and be completely committed.

I think you've shown the commitment already, by doing all the research, finding answers, looking for understanding, and listening to a wide variety of opinions. Not only do I think that you can be successful with her, I think you're already determined to do so. It will be hard, but well worth the ride. Good luck!