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Thank you so much for the replies. I apologize now for the length of this email but your responses have inspired me to lay it all out...for the past two months I have tried to talk myself out of pursuing this child but some crazy feeling in my heart says this could be the child I was meant to "save" (although we are NOT expecting her to see it that way. We understand all that).
She's had MANY placements, including acute and RTC. She is currently in RTC since her last disrupted adoption. I have received her medical/mental assessments and psych evals (not all, but enough to see the same behavior pattern over and over) for the four years she's been in foster care.
Against the instructions of DHS, I contacted several of her FM's for the past year. They pretty much had the same story and nothing shocked me. Maybe I've read so many war stories that I am just numb.
I feel like this little girl has a "splinter" in her soul that's festering and infected - the "festering" manifests itself as anger/agression and she will not be able to begin healing until the "splinter" is removed. She needs to gid rid of her secrets/mads that are festering inside.
TPR at age 6 due to neglect with 3 younger sisters. A baby sister was adopted right away and she and her sisters were later adopted by another family. She lasted 6 months before her threats toward the smaller children landed her in acute placement, disruption and back in foster care.
Age 8-9, she spent 6 months in RTC and then entered TFC program where she lasted a year with first family. She became attached and when DH became ill and was admitted to the hospital, her splinter began to fester. She began throwing tantrums (raging!) for an hour or longer and continued this behavior for two weeks while he was in the hospital. She chased one of the children around the house with a pencil and threatened to stab them so she was again placed in acute placement never to return to that family.
During the next 6 months, she moved in and out of several TFC homes - all the same situation - parents 60+ years in age with younger children in the home and they all said they just got tired of listening/dealing with her anger. She frightened some of them.
Her last adoption was this past December and it only lasted 2 weeks. Young couple, no children but did not speak to one of the previous caregivers before taking placement. They only spoke to SW which tells me they were set up for disaster from the get go. Child says she didn't like it there so she knew all she had to do was scare them and they would take her back to RTC. Maybe this is true, maybe this is just her way of dealing with rejection or maybe both...either way, I am not giving too much weight to this disruption because I don't think everyone was "in the know".
If we proceed, we will be the first placement after her 4 month stint at RTC. I can already tell from my conversations with past FM's that this girl is SMART. She knows how to manipulate. We are comfortable with setting boundaries/limits and enforcing them. We are physically and mentally strong people.
Her psych evals have ruled out RAD but I am not relying too heavily on state employed psycisians. Regardless, we already have a team of therapists, pediatric psyciatrist, pediatric neuropsychologist, developmental pediatrician, etc. all lined up for our own assessments should we proceed.
We have researched attachment therapy extensively. We have read 30+ books on older/hurt children adoption (plus a million posts on this forum). However, we have yet to live with it day to day.
Here are a few of her "horror" stories - at first, FM's were reluctant to share but then they poured their hearts out. I truly think they want her to find a family, just not with them.
Tantrum in the car, then jumping out and running into a field - had to call cops to get her back in the car
Cursing out the cashier at McD's for not giving her the toy she wanted
Tantrum in a parking lot, by-stander called the cops
Tantrum at home, smashed a toy against the wall
Multiple incidences of attempted poking of eyes - children or adults - but no success
Multiple incidences of attempted stabbing with pen/pencil - children or adults - but no success
Biting, kicking, spitting, hitting adults that confronted her or tried to control her
These are pretty much the same stories over and over. Nothing out of the ordinary for a child who has suffered I don't think. However, all FM's noted that she does well during the week but struggles on the weekend. This tells me she is missing structure these two days. She does well in school (confirmed with Teachers). She's cute, smart and affectionate when not throwing a tantrum (rage!).
We are definitely proceeding with extreme caution and I intend to thoroughly interrogate the therapist and doctors at RTC before we ever even meet her.
Again, thanks for all the feedback and words of wisdom. Keep 'em coming!
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