[JessB09]

I contacted XX and YY a couple of months ago after seeing their adoption profile online, as I was interested in considering them as an adoptive family for my babies. We talked and immediately established a great rapport. They were everything I thought I wanted in an adoptive family, and I began to feel really comforted in knowing that our boys would have a great home. We never officially “matched”—I wanted to wait to meet them in person for that—but I didn’t contact any other couples.

I talked with their adoption professional, and she sent me the usual paperwork. I received it on a Monday. Two days later, XX instigated a series of text messages practically demanding that I go to my doctor RIGHT THAT MOMENT and get the medical release form signed so they could request proof of pregnancy. Now, to be fair, I should preface this by saying that during our second conversation, XX and YY told me that they had their hearts broken twice by birthmothers who turned out to be scamming them. I was appalled that anyone could do such a thing—and being so new to adoption in general, had no idea it even happened!—so I promised to be sympathetic and understanding and to do whatever I could to make them feel at ease. But XX’s approach to me was frigid and disrespectful (and frankly, completely out of left field!), and when I told her that I couldn’t go RIGHT THAT MOMENT, she insisted that the only reason I would possibly feel that way is if I was lying about my pregnancy. In fact, the problem is that I don’t have a fax machine, the doctor wouldn’t accept a release over the phone, and the office is 30 minutes away in an undesirable area of town that I don’t like to venture into by myself. In short, it would be a major hassle for me when I had an appointment the following week. She showed her true colors in that moment: unstably emotional, manipulative, and disrespectful. I was very angry about it, and I explained to her that I wished she would have approached me respectfully and candidly and just said that it was important to her and YY that I obtain this release as soon as possible. But, instead, she treated me like crap and attacked my integrity. I told her I no longer wanted to work with her.

A few days later, she apologized profusely in emails and phone calls, and I decided to try to give her another chance. I was frank with her about being unsure if I’d be able to do that. After all, the adoption relationship is built on trust and openness, and she’d seriously damaged those things by her behavior a few days earlier. The decision to entrust your children to a couple and trust that they will honor their commitment to maintain an open relationship is a huge one, so even a minor red flag shouldn’t be taken lightly. Still, I knew that nobody is perfect and that she seemed sincerely sorry, so I tried. We continued to talk, and I expressed multiple times that I was still bothered by the incident. XX assured me that she understood, that it was entirely her fault, and that she hoped that I could forgive her—but that she understood if I couldn’t and valued my feeling comfortable in my decision more than she wanted me to give her and YY my babies.

Well, it was all a huge, insincere, manipulative lie. The moment that I told XX that I’d decided I couldn’t really move forward with her and YY in an adoption given our history and given my gut feeling that I didn’t trust her (based on earlier behavior), she freaked out, called me selfish, self-absorbed, unstable (uh, deflection, much?) and accused me of hurting people. (I’m still unsure of what that even refers to, as I was NOTHING but completely candid all along.) She also took things I’d shared with her in confidence and tried to use them against me in a hurtful way, and she criticized me for waiting so long in my pregnancy to choose an adoptive family—when earlier, she’d said she understood, that it was normal, and that she admired how carefully my boyfriend and I had contemplated our boys’ futures. Finally, she told me that she was indeed trying to get pregnant herself, when earlier she’d said that only her partner YY had undergone any kind of fertility treatments. I’m not sure which is truth and which is lie, but one is obviously a lie.

In short, XX would have said anything to get a baby. I’m not convinced at all that she would have any integrity about it, nor that she would honor any post-adoption contact commitments. She was rude, disrespectful, and outright JUVENILE to me, when I was always forthright with her about where I stood. I don’t have anything negative to say about YY, except, unfortunately, that they’re a package deal. I implore you to BE CAREFUL if you’re considering them. They’re EXTREMELY emotionally manipulative and I wouldn’t want any baby that I cared about to go to XX. I am, of course, eternally THANKFUL that they showed their true colors before it was too late for my babies.