[MilehighDad]

I don't want to come across as harsh because I think you're doing a great thing. But, I think that somewhere along the way you got some bad advice. Here's how the foster care adoption process was introduced to us:

1. You do all the paperwork, homestudy, etc.
2. You match with a child or sibling group.
3. You have a disclosure meeting to learn all you can about the child or group. (See other threads for how inadequate this can be!)
4. You are asked to make a decision and commit to the child. If you pass and say no, that's fine. But, if you say yes, then from that day on you are making a commitment to be their parent and do your absolute best for them. They didn't even allow us to answer then, but to consider it for at least three days before giving an answer.

I'll skip the rest of the process, because this is where I think you got lost. The point is, at step 4 you haven't even met the child! I am saying this because I think you are looking at this completely in the wrong way. Parenting an older child from foster care is not about warm feelings or knowing it is right. It is about being a family for a child that has none, and that means that you commit your life to them and the advice you should have been given is that you do that before you even meet them.

I guess the question you should be asking is how could you possibly feel like you love them and they are yours if you allow yourself to say "If we adopt this child . . .". You passed that point months ago! This is your child and you have to stand up and take that responsibility now, even if it is hard. This is your child, there is no "if". In fact, making that commitment will actually solve your problem because then there is no "if", there is only "how" you are going to parent them.

If you do give up now, you will be damaging your son tremendously because he will have no reason to trust the next parents found for him, the process, or even adults in general. Disrupting an adoption is a terribly traumatic event for a child and I am personally appalled at some the reasons justified on this board for it. To me, not feeling "sure" you want it or that your husband is on board after 8 months of parenting your son is not even close to enough reason to give up. That's because as parents of any child, we all agree to put ourselves second and do what is best for our children.

So, I think you got bad advice because you are making the decision to keep him based on your feelings now. You should have made that decision long ago. So, here is what I think is the answer to your question: You will feel like you love your son and he belongs to you the day you commit to be his parent unconditionally. It won't happen a day sooner than that. He deserves your absolute commitment, that's what being his parent means.