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I didn't write the obituary, but it speaks volumes about my own family. My mother is alive, but I've decided not to invite her into my life and put in the work of a relationship any longer. She's toxic and after dealing with her, my family is in a bad mood for days. My daughter saw her try to run me over once....it was insane. Talking to her is like trying to reason with a beligerant 2 year old....reason and logic do not apply, only what she wants and what she sees.
Living in fear of spanking my daughter because of my own abuse describes my mentality entirely.
I know all about her background and childhood. I grew up in the same neighborhood as all my aunts, uncles and cousins on my moms side. I lived next door to my grandparents. I know a lot about her childhood. Enough to understand that being the spoiled youngest daughter in a semi rich family didn't prepare her for adulthood and she has entitlement issues. She wasn't abused, but also all her siblings are quite successful and she resents that she isn't. Some in politics, all are self made. She however, is whiney and self obsessed and spoiled. My dad was also the baby and was coddled to the point that he too never matured. He requires someone always telling him what to do next...and how to do it.
My mom terrorized my dad my entire life. She grew up overly concerned with what her image was. She was too fat, she had bad teeth, she was unpopular...WHATEVER....get over it! Only she never did....she held herself back and made life choices out of a feeling of desperation or obligation and when she realized she didn't want this life...she took it out on us. She was expected to have kids so she did. She loves babies...so she kept getting pregnant. I was the oldest, so as soon as there was a new baby, the toddlers were passed off to me to handle. Laughter was forbidden, and she was fanatical about "health food" so we ate weird stuff like "wheat grass" who ever thought THAT would become popular!
My dad allowed his own abuse because he figured she would get it out of her system on him and be able to grow up eventually. Until a few years ago he didn't realize it only made her bolder and she still took her frustrations out on us.
I was also left in the yard with my siblings as she drove off screaming that she was leaving this family and never coming back. (she took the baby with her) After 7 or 8 times of gut wrenching terror, by the time I was 8, I remember praying that she'd keep her word and not return like she had the other times.
I did pack up an leave once when I was about 11. A fight with my sister ruining my stuff had been the last straw. I packed up my most cherished posessions and ran away...down the street to the safest place I could think of..... My newlywed cousin living in a basement apartment..... She called her mom (an aunt) and they listened to me cry, made me feel safe and all better....then they made me go back. I was begging and pleading, but I still had to go back. Something died inside me that day and I remember telling myself that change was hopeless, and that until I was an adult nothing would change, I couldn't count on anyone to help me.
I probably could have overlooked the physical abuse....if there had been any love shown, or nuturing in any way. But a prime example of how absent that was in my life was the day I broke my arm (for the 2nd time in a year). I was wearing my new school clothes (big no no), I was on a trampoline (my mom hated trampolines), it was the same arm (I guess I didn't learn my lesson the first time it broke a year earlier).......So there I am in the front seat of her car. The bone is sticking out of my skin and I'm bleeding. I only remember wondering when she was gonna stop lecturing me and take me to a hospital. It was over an hour that I sat and bled, fully in shock, while she screamed at me about how I deserved it because I was disobedient. I was 12.....the bone was sticking out....her family finally made her shut up and take me to the ER.
My first thought when I broke it was "Oh crap, my mom's gonna kill me". I never once in my life felt like comfort and thought of getting it from her....it simply wasn't gonna happen.
So the other day, when she screamed at me last. I told her I wasn't interested in a relationship anymore. Her response was that I was gonna regret it. Next time I needed her she wouldn't be there for me. And I was gonna need her someday and wish I hadn't cut her off....and I sat there STUNNED that she truly believed I would EVER need her for anything. I had stopped needing her when I was 5 or 6....She really just doesn't get it...so I told her flat out that I couldn't imagine ever needing anything from her, and if I did need something it would be taken care of by the dozens of other people in my life who care about me.
When she fought me having my sister live with me (too lazy to stop us). Her only response was "What will people think?" Her motivation for getting her daughter to come home, was only to avoid judgement by neighbors.
She told my husband last month, that some kids are born to succeed, and for some reason she got stuck with loser kids who won't amount to anything. My husband pointed me out as a success and my mom called it a sham and a deception, and I must be a really good actress or something, and she still hadn't figured out how I was able to pull it off yet, but she was sure my life was all false pretenses. Even the way I keep my house clean, couldn't possibly be from my efforts. I must have a maid or maybe my hubby does all the housework and passes it off as me...because I'm lazy and worthless and dirty and she hasn't figured out how I do it yet, but it isn't possibly me doing it all.
As a background, we own businesses, and I work as a substitute teacher. My kids get good grades, and my house is always de-cluttered even if it isn't perfect. Every compliment anyone ever tells her about me, burns her up inside. Because she thinks I've just got everyone tricked into liking me. We live in the same small town, 2 blocks apart.
Janey......HUGS......if you were cold, and uncaring you wouldn't worry about being that way...and you certainly wouldn't cry over it.
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