[sweetyourock]

I am 19 almost 20 years old and 7 months pregnant. Last year my boyfriend of two years and I broke up and it was the hardest thing I had ever been through. I started seeing a new guy casually and ended up getting pregnant. My ex and I had started seeing each other again by the time I found out I was pregnant and these have been the worst few months of my life because of it. I still love him so much. He said at the beginning that we could only be together if I had an abortion, I went along with the idea for a while but I knew there was no way in my heart I could have ever let that happen. It's a few months too late for that now, and he's still there for me, but now I'm faced the the option of adoption.

The baby's father has wanted adoption since the beginning and he is semi-involved but I have pushed him away for the most part because of my boyfriend not wanting me to have anything to do with him. Everyday I feel this baby kicking and moving inside of me and sometimes it makes me excited and I just can't wait for this baby to come into the world so I can hold him and play with him and raise him. I got 3D ultrasound pictures the other day and he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, and he still has 8 weeks to grow even more beautiful when I welcome him into the world.

My family has been more than supportive and is willing to help me finish school and raise the baby if that's what I choose to do. Sometimes though, I feel so terrible for what I did to my relationship with my boyfriend I just want to give the baby up and forget about all of this and just move forward. It sounds terrible but I can honestly say I have cried myself to sleep at night just wishing I had gone through with an abortion. I really don't think that's possible to just give the baby up for adoption and just "forget about it" but I just get so sick of being sad about this amazing thing I have growing inside of me. But what makes me even more sad, is the idea of not being with my boyfriend. He has made it very clear that there is no way he could remain with me if I choose to raise this baby because he feels it would just be a constant reminder to him that I was with someone else in that time we spent apart and he doesn't want to forever be upset with me and the child. That is totally understandable and I repect that he feels this way, I just don't know what is more important to me. I don't want to have to choose between my baby and the person that I love. Everyone tells me that if I keep the baby and he leaves I will find someone else who will love me and my baby no matter what, but that doesn't seem to help, at all. I don't want to be with anyone else. I know I am young, but I have had other boyfriends who I have said I loved, and as much as other break-ups were hard, I can't even see what a life would be like with anyone else. I know he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Besides just losing the relationship for the baby, I am pre-med and always wanted to go to med school after college. That just won't be possible when I have to be a single mother. My parents said they would help me finish school, but that many years of school will mean my son is 10 before I can step in to be the mother I want to me when I eventually plan to have children.

After reading all this it seems like the logical thing to do would be adoption, there's no way I would be the mother this baby deserves if I choose to keep the life that I had planned for me, and I am also losing the person who already means more than anything to me. But at the same time, this is my baby! Why should I be so selfish as to say "someone else take this burden from me so I can continue to live my life." That's just not fair. He is mine, I feel him every day, I now have seen him and how gorgeous he is, and I feel like no one else in this world could ever love him the way I do. I know that I would be an amazing mother to him, if I gave up everything else I was working toward. Anyone would usually describe me as very level headed and hard working and say that I have my head on straight, but since this whole thing, I haven't felt any one of those things. I love this baby and every time I think about giving him to someone else, I start crying uncontrollably. What if I end up not going to med school? What if my boyfriend and I decide to break up down the road for other reasons? I will have given this baby away for no reason at all. I just need help, I know no one can tell me "this is what you should do and this is why you should do it" because it is ultimately up to me, but someone needs to give me some sort of advice because I am falling apart and can't seem to think clearly anymore. Thanks so much.