[Janeytwo]

Hey everybody.

You don't know how much I appreciated everyone writing me back on this thread because I gotta tell you guys it was very hard to not delete it the second I wrote it. The fear was rampant. Fear of judgement, fear of hatred, fear of hurting other human beings with realities they didn't really need to read about with their morning coffee. Fear of dragging up stuff for people that they'd just as soon forget about in their own lives. Fear of people thinking I'm some ego maniac looking for pity. Ick!! That last one makes my teeth rattle!

So thank you from the bottom of my heart.


Dickons

just how hard it is to make a decision that will cost you dearly for the rest of your life.

It's funny you know. I look at words like "hard" and "difficult". And I try to put them into context with my dual decisions to relinquish. That moment I wrote of - standing on the porch with my daughter in one arm and the pickle jar in the other - making the decision to call CSS? That moment was fleeting like those moments in life when everything stops except for the breeze and we standing there and go, "Okay. This is what I need to do. No bull. No lying too myself. No backing out."

I think in those moments our hearts harden against illusion because illusion is something we cannot afford. We know the truth from the roots of our hair to the tips of our toenails. I can remember that moment like I'm there now. It was one of those beautiful summer days where the sky is that azure blue color and there's not a cloud in sight and the ground is warm from the sun. My need to do what I knew was right at that moment hardened my resolve to the consistency of cement. When I think of relinquishment being hard; that's how I see it. How a person accepts their reality, nods their head once, sets their jaw and goes forward.


Cetally (((( Cetally )))) I don't even know what to say about how horrible that scene you described looks in my mind's eye. I am so sorry that you lived that and that my post pulled it out of you.

If there is anything I wish for you my friend, it is for you to have peace in your life now and always.


Crick Thank you for the hugs! They mean the world to me!!


CourtneyCarl

only hope that it helps to have others read your story, and that one day you will be writing about happier days filled with love and beauty.

Thanks "CC" it does help to have people read it. It really does. And you know what? I am happy! I love life! It is so vast and grand even in the rain; even in the winter there is always something to be savored, to be learned, to be cherished. I am, in this life, truly fortunate. I have found freedom and comraderie in this sacred place; this forum. I have found good people here willing to accept where I have been. I have been loved by my husband and children. I have been called "friend" by people I've met along the way. There is no greater blessing than that.


RavenSong Like with Cetally, I don't know what to say. You've been to hell and back, IMO.

You know....I made a choice to run and in that choice ended up on a porch eating dill pickles.

But you guys didn't have the luxury of escape. Everything was thrust upon you both. :-(

I think it must be very hard to square with that.

I've thought alot today, too, about my stepfather. He had a childhood that was the stuff of nightmares. And so on some level he was still a frightened child himself. I try to remember that.

Sigh...learning to see the human being behind their rage; their flaws; their fear and mistakes.....never easy.


Thank you guys again for walking on the road with me. It has made the journey so much lighter.