[sak9645]

MyCatharsis:

What happened in your situation had nothing to do with either civil law or Jewish law.

The adoptive parents and the agency were simply treating you with great courtesy and respect, in ensuring that you understood and accepted their plans for converting the child whom you were relinquishing. Your signature would have been considered more important than your husband's, simply because you were the person who bore the child. However, neither signature was required, unless your state had some unusual requirement back then.

By U.S. law, once a child has been adopted, the new parents can raise a child in any faith they want, can make any plans for his/her education, and so on. He/she carries the same status as a child born to them. Technically, they do not have to ask the birthmother or birthfather for permission. However, it has become increasingly recognized as good practice to allow the birthmother to choose the characteristics of the adoptive family, before agreeing to place her child with that family. Some birthmothers will choose not to place a child with a family of a different religion, and that is their right.

Religiously, adoption of non-Jewish children is permitted by Jewish law. However, because Jews were often subjected to forced conversions over the centuries, many have some strong feelings about protecting people from forced conversions. Some Orthodox families will not adopt a non-Jewish baby, because they don't feel that it is right to make a baby Jewish, since he/she isn't able to consent to the conversion. Other Jews simply insist that the birth family be fully informed about their religion and give consent to the conversion; this may have been the thinking in your situation. And still others have incorporated into a child's Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony, an opportunity for the child to reaffirm the decision to be Jewish, which his/her adoptive parents made for him years before.

Orthodox and Conservative Jews believe that a child's religious status is carried by the mother. In other words, if a child is conceived by a Jewish woman and a non-Jewish man, the child is considered Jewish; however, if a child is conceived by a non-Jewish woman and a Jewish man, the child is considered non-Jewish, and conversion is required if the family wishes to raise him/her as a Jew. Some Reform Jews follow Orthodox and Conservative practice, as I do; however some Reform Jews feel that a child can be considered Jewish if EITHER parent is Jewish. Once a child has had a religious conversion, he/she is fully Jewish, and under Orthodox and Conservative law, the child born to a woman who has converted to Judaism is fully Jewish.

When a non-Jewish child is adopted by a Jewish family, the parents will want to give the child the same religious status as a biological child. For Orthodox and Conservative Jews, the only way that can be done is via conversion. Some Reform Jews follow Orthodox and Conservative practice, as I do, while others feel that no conversion is needed if the child will be raised as a Jew.

Conversion of a girl is a relatively simple matter. The child is taken to a mikvah, or ritual bath, by a parent. (Some natural bodies of water, such as the ocean, also qualify as mikvaot.) The parent fully immerses the naked child briefly in the water, and then recites certain blessings when the child is lifted up. Three rabbis, often standing behind a door to preserve the modesty of the child and parent (who wears a swimsuit), must hear the blessings. They then issue a certificate attesting to the conversion.

With a boy, there's an added step, based on the story of Abraham in the Bible. In the weeks before immersion, the boy must undergo ritual circumcision, since it was said that Abraham had himself and the males in his family circumcised, when he decided to accept God. Traditionally, all Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox Jewish males are circumcised, often on the eighth day after birth. Basically, ritual circumcision is the same as medical circumcision, except that certain prayers are recited. If the child has already been circumcised non-ritually prior to adoption, then all that is needed is a ceremony called "hatafat dam brit", in which a tiny drop of blood is drawn to symbolize the circumcision, and appropriate blessings are said.

Once the boy heals from the circumcision, he goes to the mikvah, in the same way as a girl would.

Many families hold a special naming ceremony, after the conversion, to announce the child's Hebrew name to the world and generally introduce him/her to friends and relatives, although this isn't religiously required. The ceremoney is held either at home or at the synagogue.

My daughter went to the mikvah on a Thursday, and then was named during a Friday night service at our synagogue. Her Hebrew name, Rivka Gilat, was announced, and the rabbi blessed us. We sponsored the Oneg Shabbat, or "Sabbath Joy" reception after the service, where the congregants drank coffee, tea, or punch, ate cookies and challah (egg bread), and greeted my newly Jewish child. Several of our relatives and friends, including some non-Jewish friends, attended.

I hope this little explanation helps you understand Jewish adoption and conversion practices. I also hope that it eases your continuing grief, to some extent, to know that the people who adopted your child respected you enough to make very sure that you knew of and accepted their plans to convert your child and raise him as a Jew. I pray that he has become a good Jew, and a good young man, who has been taught to respect and admire his birthparents.

Sharon