[sak9645]

There is no actual religious prohibition on baby showers and pre-birth gifts.

However, many Jews, like many Christians, worry about how they might feel, seeing all the baby supplies, if something went wrong and there was a miscarriage or stillbirth. This feeling can be particularly strong in people who have a history of miscarriage or stillbirth; they know what it feels like to prepare for a baby and then lose one.

Also, many Jews, like many Christians, have a certain amount of superstition, relating to the fact that mentioning the baby or having visible preparations for a birth might cause an evil force -- Lilith, the Devil, the Evil Eye, the Angel of Death, or whatever -- to find and harm the child. In some Jewish communities -- for example, in Morocco -- there are actual ceremonies designed to drive Lilith away from newborns. And in other communities, people put Jewish ritual objects and copies of psalms in the newborn's room, to protect him/her from harm.

Regardless of whether you, personally, believe in these traditions, you should honor your friend's wishes not to have a baby shower or get gifts before the ceremony. Particularly because the couple has had difficulty conceiving, the impending birth is cause for great anxiety, as well as great joy.

A Jewish religious object is always a good gift. You might buy a mezuzah with a child theme, that can be hung on the doorpost of the baby's room. While the mezuzah is really intended to remind people that they are Jews and to observe the commandments, many people view it as a sort of amulet that protects a Jewish home from harm. This would be very appropriate given your friend's frame of mind -- wanting to protect this very special baby.

And while, technically, mezuzot are needed only for doors leading to the outside, it is very common in Orthodox homes to hang mezuzot on all room doors, except those leading to bathrooms. It is increasingly common in non-Orthodox homes to hang mezuzot on the doors to children's rooms, to encourage them to think about being Jewish

A menorah with a child theme -- Noah's Ark is a common one -- makes a nice present, since every member of a family often has his/her own menorah to use on Chanukah. A menorah, or chanukiah, is a candle holder with eight regular spaces and a space for a "shamash", or "leader" candle that lights all the others. While Chanukah is a relatively minor holiday, it is very popular in the U.S., because it usually falls around Christmas and gives kids an alternative to what is going on in the majority culture.

For a girl, Shabbat candlesticks might be a nice gift, especially if they are ones that she might use once she grows to adulthood. It would be a very special gift if you are very close to the family and hope to be a big part of the child's life. It is not customary to give candlesticks to a boy, since it is usually the woman who is responsible for lighting them, in an observant home.

You might give the baby an attractive tzedakah box with a dollar bill or two in it, to encourage her to think of those less fortunate than herself, when she is older. Many traditional Jews place money in a tzedakah box before Shabbat every week, to give to a charity.

You can find mezuzot, menorahs, tzedakah boxes, candlesticks, and so on in Jewish bookstores and Jewish gift shops, and in gift shops within larger synagogues. Look, if possible, for items made in Israel. Ask the shopkeeper what he/she recommends, if you have any questions about appropriateness. You can also order on line, from American and Israeli companies.

If you live near a Jewish bookstore or a large synagogue that has a gift shop, you might want to find a bunch of paperback children's Jewish books, for use when the child gets a little older. The Sammy Spider series is rather cute, but there are lots of others. Some are aimed at the general Jewish population, but there are also some that are best for Orthodox boys and girls. They tend to teach little messages about Jewish tradition.

Some Jewish or Israeli stores sell framed pictures with Jewish themes, appropriate to a child's bedroom. Some pictures may contain a prayer for the child; I had one for baby girls on my daughter's room wall. If you can find one that goes with the nursery decor, I'd highly recommend it.

By the way, given the increasing number of families formed by transracial adoption, you can OCCASIONALLY find items with non-White Jewish children pictured. We have a small wall plaque showing two Asian children lighting a menorah.

Of course, you don't have to give a Jewish gift. Many people, Jewish and non-Jewish, feel awkward about giving a gift related to a tradition that is not their own, and that is perfectly OK. While we gave a small gold cross on a chain to a close friend's daughter on the occasion of her First Communion, many Jews would not feel comfortable doing so, just as many non-Jews would not feel comfortable giving a Jewish child a Jewish star necklace or a Jewish ritual object.

In that case, it is perfectly appropriate to buy almost anything you want for the baby, or to give the family a series of "coupons" that you create, offering such things as an evening of babysitting so the parents can go to a movie. While some people buy a grocery order for the parents-to-be, so that shopping doesn't need to be on the agenda when the baby first comes home, you should not do so if the family keeps Kosher, unless there is a Kosher supermarket near you. Do not give a fruit basket, as that tends to be what Americans give newly bereaved families during the shivah period.

I hope this helps.

Sharon