[cetalley]

Tentmaker, I am always so humbled to read a post from Dad's. When you do move forward to adopt, you will love and raise the child, no different than a child born from you. As parents if we raise them with love, compassion, honesty, and a good line of communication,and along with all other things that are required of any loving parent....believe me they will know who Mom & Dad are. If I were a child whom had been adopted, I would more than likely feel a need to know where I have originated from, whom I got my eyes from,hair color, big nose,...etc. This would be completely normal to yearn to know. Some do some do not. Alot , from what I have read on these forums choose not to , for the very reason you bring up...they wish to do no harm to their 'real" parents, and will wait until their parents pass on. I , personally feel sad for people who feel the need to wait until their parents pass on...only because this insinuates that they could never feel totally honest with their parents, in tells me possibly adoption was not talked about, not embraced as they were growing up. I have 1 son, whom I was blessed to raise, I have twin sons, I relinquished, the twins will be 23 yrs. next month! I would feel so sad they they harbored any feelings of negativity to meet me...based on the fact they wished to not upset their parents...this would make me feel as if they never were able to have a safe secure open relationship with their parents. We are responsible for our own feelings, it is time we teach our children this. I can only hope that I have allowed my son to feel free to choose whom he wishes in his life , regardless of MY feelings..for it is not about me. I have several family members I choose not to be around, but my son knows he is welcome to visit as much as he desires. I would also be very hurt, if my twin sons did not feel, loved enough by their parents of 23 yrs. to look them in the eyes and say they were not their "REAL" parents, this too would tell me they were not raised to be compassionate, loving,and more importantly with the security that we all need, for I was raised to respect my parents. My son was the normal teen, whom went through what most all teens do...but not 1 time did he disrespect me by saying hateful, mean and hurtful comments..just because he was having a "bad day"! I feel it really is in how we raise them, it is up to us to instill the security, and confidence! I might suggest you do as others have said ,go to all the forums read, talk, and yes ask. All are different, but seems to me if we try to keep some form of openess with the Firstmom, and her family, then the child should grow up knowing his/her heritage, with dignity, compassion, and yes...knowing and loving "THEIR REAL MOM AND DAD!" JMHO..welcome and thanks for posting, I do enjoy reading thoughts from the male point of view! I feel you will be just fine, and know exactly what to do. If I were to adopt, I would do as I have done with my son...I would tuck that child in each night, say those prayers, GOD blessing everyone...but I would most definately be secure enough, to GOD bless that childs firstmom! Of course, I migt be biased..since I am a firstmom, whom wishes open adoption was part of this journey! Blessings..C.J.