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I'm not a birthmother, but I'm a single adoptive mom of a wonderful son I adopted from foster care. I've also parented 14 other kids through the foster care system. I couldn't ever tell you whether to parent or place---that's a really personal decision only you can make. But I will give you a few things to think about if you're contemplating being a single parent, or at least a parent without much support from your baby's father.
Being a mom is the best job in the entire world. My son has brought me more joy that I could have ever imagined having. But being a single mom is also a ton of work. I think that being a good single mom means really committing to putting your child first, all the time---and that means making some tough choices.
Are you prepared to commit fully and totally to another human being? To putting the baby's needs first, above your own wants and a lot of times in front of your own needs? That's the first and biggest thing you have to decide. Kids absolutely positively have to come first: in front of jobs, boyfriends, friends, everything. If they need you, you drop everything and go to them.
Sometimes, that means giving up on a social life. I don't date much---I have to pick my little boy up at daycare by 6, and he has to be in bed by 8 to get up for kindergarten in the morning. Babysitters are incredibly expensive, upwards of $10 an hour. Family and friends will sometimes babysit for free, but I don't know very many single moms who get free babysitting every week if they aren't living with family. For me, it means that I just don't get out much. I don't mind--I'd really rather be hanging out with my son playing Monopoly Junior or building Legos, but if you really value your social life, you should know that a baby will cut into it.
Are you ready for a huge upswing in the amount of time you spend doing chores? I can't figure out why, since they're so little, but having a kid dramatically increases the amount of laundry you do! I also cook real dinners for us (when I was alone I just grabbed a burrito or made a sandwich), which means planning menus, doing the shopping once a week, cooking and cleaning up each night. It doesn't sound like much, but it adds up to a lot of hours.
Do you have the job flexibility to leave your job if your child gets sick? They do, and often. You either need the flexibility to go home if you need to, or a really good backup plan for a babysitter for a sick kid. Daycares won't let them in when they're ill, and if you are your family's sole economic support, you have to make sure you don't lose your job if you need to be home.
Do you have a good support network, people you can blow off steam with? As much as we love them (and it's a lot!), kids can be frustrating. You need to have a way to deal with any upset or frustration you have without taking it out on your kid.
Is being with your child really, truly, amazingly important to you? I love being with my son---he's a wonderful, wacky, funny kid and I admire his strength and his creativity. I carve out time away from other things (social life, hobbies, travel) to be with him. Are you the kind of person who would want to hang with your kid?
Is having a lot of money really important to you? Single parenting causes a HUGE financial impact. You can't work overtime. You might not be promoted as fast, since you can't devote as much energy to the job as somebody with no kids or somebody with a stay-at-home wife can. Statistics show that single parent families are the most likely to be in poverty--and that is because we just can't be as career focused as people with more help and more resources are. If you need to be rich, single parenting makes it a lot harder. (I have a pretty good job, but I could be making scads if I took the time I spend with my son and devoted it to work. Luckily, money's not super important to me. We have enough, and I'm very glad of it, but it's definitely not luxury living).
I'm not saying any of this to scare you off. If you can parent your child, that is the best possible option. But I think it's important to be realistic about the enormous task that single parenting is, and to be totally committed to making it your top priority in life. If you are---wonderful! If your kid is the most important thing in your life, you can work the rest of the details out as you go.
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