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Janey, you write so beautifully -- I love your imagery -- keep expressing yourself.
So sad that some cyber meanie was preying on your vulnerabilities.
I remember so clearly the night I stumbled upon the online query looking for a baby girl born on my date in the correct city -- who in the heck was looking for me??? I was terrified. Did I want to come out of my little safe box and venture into unknown territory??? I had buried all the emotions of my adopted self; I figured my bparents were dead and I would meet them in heaven. It was okay to be in a dark place now because eventually I would pass through that tunnel of light to full knowledge and love.
But I was suddenly presented the option to find out about my past. In a way, I didn't want to know the truth of who I really was, but I knew I couldn't live with myself if I turned the other way. So I opened the door and walked into the sad story of an ill bmom and an abusive bdad and two half-sibs who resent me. (The online query was posted by some cousins on my bdad's side who always wanted to know what happened to that baby given up for adoption.)
Sometimes I think I would be much happier had I never left my box, my "coffin" if you will. There is safety and security in the darkness. But we all need to keep going forward no matter how much it hurts. If we keep opening all the doors in our life (and inbox messages), eventually we will find who/what we're looking for.
Fortunately, I don't believe that there is such an entity as Mr. D (although people who try to deceive others come pretty close.)
I'm already a little melancholy today because today is the anniversary of my bmom's death. She died when I was a child so my only reunion with her was at her grave. But that's just a stone -- she's not really there.
Sorry to get so depressing, but like you, Janey, I often ask myself why I put myself through all this. I left one box to put myself into another -- now I know who my half-sibs and their children are -- from my little box, I know they're outside in the sunlight, but I'm not allowed to open the door and join them. I am the dark little family secret -- the one no one speaks of.
We don't stay in the silence where it's safe and warm and nobody know us and we can hide and be numb. We're women, smart women, and we like to talk. They can try to box us in, but we'll break out somehow.
You'll find your kids someday -- just hang in there. Keep writing.
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