[MilehighDad]

Antee,
First let me apologize for not answering earlier, I think you need the support and to know people care and have dealt with feeling the way you are. I think Lucy is giving good advice about your feelings - and that is mostly that you simply feel the way you do and can't change it. As a Dad of 5 kids, I think most anyone who has six in their house is going to feel overwhelmed a good part of the time. Given that one kid is creating way more load for you than the others, it is a given that you are going to struggle with being frustrated with that kid. We have certainly felt that way in the past and probably will in the future. I guess one thing that is "easier" is that we have 3 kids that are difficult, lol!

The real issue becomes, what are you going to do when you are frustrated and upset? If you are demolished and can't effectively parent any of your kids, they all suffer. I don't think this is where you are, so celebrate that at least you haven't been knocked down yet!

Next, I think you should look at your expectations for your 12-year old and see if maybe she is just growing up the best she can. You mentioned disrespectful and defiant, which are really frustrating things for a parent. But, they are survivable behaviors that you need to coax her away from gently by loving her and helping her feel safe. There might be all kinds of things going on with her life that could be part of the cause, everything from PTSD from the past to just having a crush on a boy that has not noticed her at school. Even completely normal 12-year old girls can be completely dreadful to their parents, so unless she confides in you openly, you may have to try pretty hard to figure out if something is bugging her.

Finally, it is not wrong for you to feel like you made a mistake, but I certainly think you did not. She has a family that loves her, and eventually having that support will help her figure out who she is and what she wants from life. If she was bouncing around foster care, she would be trying to survive and keep herself safe and would hit 18 with very little capability to flourish. She needs you and loves you, even if she is being rotten sometimes and may not have a very good understanding of how to return your love. The more you can hold onto that belief, the more you can be strong for her, even though your insides are miserable.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing!!