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Is your FD having an open adoption, semi-open, or closed? My adoption was "semi-open," although it wasn't defined as such, it just sort of evolved into that. So in the beginning, all I really thought I'd be getting was a 6 week picture and a 6 month picture, and beyond that, it was uncertain, but getting the pictures truly did help me and having a few letters from my son's parents, etc. Then as time went on and I got more updates, it really was very helpful for me just to be able to see how he was doing.
I received counseling both before and after placing my son, which helped a lot. However, I will say, that first year was extremely difficult for me. It was like grieving a death in many ways. So many people did not understand. Even my own mom told me after 2 weeks home from the hospital when I was crying every night, "I thought you'd be over this by now." I don't need to tell you that is NOT the right thing to say to someone who just gave birth, left the hospital without her baby, and had TPR hanging over her head!
I think it is important to be supportive but at the same time recognize that your FD may hold a lot of her feelings in. It's a touchy thing and sometimes I would want to talk about it, and other times I wouldn't, and would get annoyed or angry if someone brought it up. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. It's like I wanted others to recognize my pain, but then if they tried to draw me out when it was not on my terms, it felt somehow intrusive to me. Maybe that was just me, though. I think, too, sometimes we DO need to be drawn out, as it is easy to say "I'm here if you need me" but a lot of people won't take you up on that, and then everyone else thinks the other person is just fine when they really are not.
Every birthmom is different. Some like to talk about their babies, some would rather not. Some get upset around birthdays, some celebrate them, etc. In time, you will see how your FD is, and can better gauge what kind of support she needs. One thing to keep in mind. Just because it was her decision and she felt it was best to place her child does not mean it won't be painful for her, perhaps just as painful as if it was NOT her choice. So any comments like "well, it was your choice to make an adoption plan" or "you made the decision to do this" won't go over well (not saying that you would say these things, but others may, and it will hurt to hear this).
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