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So I'm one of those first moms who doesn't let her grief eat her alive. I don't sit around on holidays in deep throes of grief, I don't look at pictures and sob because my son isn't in them, I don't do those things to myself and to him, because they won't accomplish anything.
Do I miss him? Sure I do. Have I had moments of grief so deep that I was afraid I was never going to see the top again? Oh yeah. Those first months were very dark for a lot of reasons.
I don't think that goes against nature though. I think that means that we all survive in a different way. I guess I believe in pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and keep on going on. Not that I haven't had help doing that, I've had plenty, I don't think it is a on your own activity. You find the resources to help you and and then you keep going. That doesn't end the grief or the sadness.
I didn't want my first mom to be depressed and sad forever. It makes me sad and angry now that placing me caused her so much damage. I can't do anything about that, and realize that, but the feelings are still there. I won't let my son ever wonder that. When he is old enough, like his 70's HA, I might tell him a bit about the raw pain, but he is going to know that even though I missed him I have still had a full happy life. To have anything less would be letting my son down.
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First mom to the amazing Kiddo and adopted adult.
1-4-2009 Mom and I visit Kiddo despite the bad weather. He really loved the blue mittens I made him and even helped me plan my living room. Apparently Hot Wheels wallpapper is the way to go.
2-16-2009 I got a promotion, that comes with a raise. Mom and Dad are visiting and we're going to Al's for pie to celebrate.
4-27-2009 Dad surprises me with a Lady Ugly Stick (an awesome fishing rod that is pink) and a 2nd Iowa Light Artillery Battery jacket. I'm a lucky girl!
5-30-2009 Kiddo turns five. It is hard to believe he is that old already, it seems like just yesterday he was being born. I was at peace for the first time on his birthday, what a nice feeling.
6-13&14 2009 A cannon live fire in Casper WY. We got third place and I got to see Devil's Tower for the first time, it was pretty awesome.
7-4-2009 Amelia the kitten comes to live with me and Liz. Talk about jealousy, Liz will adjust though.
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