Hi, I'm SO GLAD you found this forum.
Something you may not have been prepared for is dealing with ODD or RAD on a DAILY BASIS. It's one thing to read about issues or hear about them, but it is quite another to live through them 24/7.
Remember that tha chaos and fear and trauma he feels on the inside is the chaos he creates on the outside. He doesn't know what he's doing, he's just angry and scared. 4 months isn't much in the grand scheme of things. IT WILL GET BETTER.
I completely understand what you're going through. And you aren't crazy for feeling this way. You should speak with a counselor if you can, and possibly get on some mild anti-depressants.
Remember this formula:
THINK + SAY + DO = FEEL
Write up a list of positive affirmations that contradict how you currently think and feel (out of fear). "This will get better, I can do this, I will love him someday."
You need to think about this from his point of view.
What if you were given a new spouse...in a new house...and told to trust it would all be ok. What if you weren't sure how to find your way back to your old home?
Adopting an older child with a pre-formed personality is very much like an arranged marriage.
No one can REALLY prepare for it. You just need to do it, and give yourself time to adjust and get to know one another.
Here's my emergency suggestions for immediate relief:
Follow "Parenting with Love and Logic" like you would the bible!
Make sure he's getting enough sleep, like 12-13 hours a day. If he isn't sleeping well,
investigate room darkening curtains, noise machines, and Melatonin in liguid form.
When he's angry, wrap him in a blanket and cuddle him while you rock him. Talk to him about what you would have done if he'd been there as a baby.
Find games that require eye contact, like feeding one another...or try not to laugh type games.
Even if you have to set a timer for 3 times a day, go hug and kiss him and tell him you're happy he's part of the family....even if you don't feel that way yet.
Make a goal to praise him for at least one thing once a day.
Keep a list of good qualities that you add to each day.
Take time for yourself away from home, while your husband watches him. Be gone 2-3 hours at least. When you return be sure to let him know he was missed.
Go over to the SPECIAL NEEDS FORUMS here. Everyone there has been through or is currently going through exactly the same behaviors (...and worse) as you are.
And remember, you're not alone, how you feel is NORMAL...no one can patiently endure months of emotional abuse! Recognize that this is a unique situation where you are raising your abuser and cannot react the way you would if it were an adult.
Watch this 3 part video to help you understand better, your son's thought process...
YouTube - The truth about Foster care (A Child's Point of view) Pt-1