[sundara]

For all of us dealing with the wonders and hardships of older child adoption, it is wonderful to hear from someone for whom it all worked out.

One of the earlier posts mentioned that the posting you see here are from those currently experiencing issues, as those with few issues have no reason to look at this part of the forum.

In my case, this is COMPLETELY true!! I did not find this board until about 2 years after everything went kablooie (which was a total of 4 years after I first met my kids, and we are now starting on our 7th year of knowing each other).

I too for the first 3 years told everyone I knew that it was not that hard, that the kids had adjusted well, and everything was working out great. But again as someone earlier in the thread stated, there were signs that I did not understand.

The main truism in my experience is that, when they start trusting you is when you BEGIN to learn about the worst stuff, and is also when you begin to experience a lot of the behaviors. Until then, they are worried you might abandon them, so they stay in anxious state (and are very good at hiding it) for a very long time - which they've become so used to since before they even met you that they do not even realize it's there. UNTIL they start to learn to trust and relax, which then scares them - they are not used to trusting!

Of my 3 kids, one had the worst of it all, and she was the most difficult one to deal with for years. Unfortunately, she manipulated the other 3 for years and it wasn't until she left at age 18 that the others calmed down. We now have what I would call a pretty normal life with vastly fewer ups and downs. It "only" took about 3 years of living hell to get here, but now that we are here, neither DH nor I would ever reverse the decision to adopt.

What I would say is:
1. Learn everything you can about RAD. Try to find a support group for parents of RAD children & listen to them talk about their daily strugges. It's very different to read words than it is to truly witness the struggles. Many foster-adopt kids have some degree of attachment issues/RAD. It just comes out in different ways depending on severity.

2. Find a therapist who (a) REALLY knows about trauma and PTSD and (b) will truly work with you. Someone who works every day in a hospital adolescent ward is a good starting point. Ask if their sessions will include you (they should for at least a few minutes each time, either at beginning or end, if for nothing else to get a synopsis of the week from your perspective)

3. Get all the subsidy and medical insurance (medicaid, etc) you can prior to signing adoption agreement. Medicaid picks up the balance after your private insurance has paid (if you ever have to have hospitalization). This alone has saved us more than $40k in bills.

4. Don't limit yourself to medicaid therapists. Many are overworked. Plan on using private insurance, which is usually limited to ten/twenty visits a year. This may not be enough (my kids go every week, and have for some time).

5. Pay attention to early bonding signs/patterns. The best part is it feels great! But the hard part is, it is probably an attachment disordered behavior. The kids will try hardest to bond to the role that most scares them. (e.g., if bdad is abusive, kid will try harder to bond to ADad and may leave Amom out in the cold). Triangulation/manipulation is a HUGE issue with these kids and they are good at it. If you find there are disagreements/issues (with DH, teachers, family, etc) this is probably going on out of sight but having an impact. Force it to the surface so it dies in the light.

6. Your kids will not be ready to tell you the real story for a long time, and as hard as it is, you'll have to respect this. They have to heal on their timeline.

7. Meet with the schools before you adopt. Some schools are very supportive, some are less so. You'll need to figure this out. If you sense issues, find an education advocate to help you. (If your child already has an IEP in place, this will help a lot).

8. Go on DATES with DH and no kids. Your marriage will need it. No matter the kids behavior. Find adults now who can help with this.