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But I personally never went through weeks or months of dark days where I couldn't get out of bed.
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I didn't either, TGM, and it was not my experience to have the hole in my heart that other birthmoms speak of. That's not to say I didn't experience proufound loss, or that I've never been sad or upset (or perhaps I just would use different language to explain my feelings rather than say "hole in my heart"), but I also never felt totally beaten down by it or felt my life was ruined or I made a terrible mistake. Maybe because I felt at the time so set in my decision, and wasn't forced to place, I don't know. Or maybe it is the difference between birthmoms who were able to get good counseling and have some kind of ongoing connection. I had semi-open with pictures and letters and that was a huge help for me. I don't know if I could have managed as well as I did had my adoption been totally closed for all these years. I think the women from the closed era had so much more trauma to deal with in terms of how they were treated, and expected to forget they even had a child, as if they could! On top of that, they were looked upon as "damaged goods" and "sluts" for having committed the "sin" of being pregnant out of wedlock. I cannot imagine being sent away to a maternity home, shunned by my family, everything needing to be a big secret, getting no counseling, stuffing all my feelings, etc. It is hard for us today to imagine how things were back then, but when I read "The Girls Who Went Away" I really had my eyes opened. So I can see where this deep trauma of unresolved grief can come from, but I also know there are other birthmoms who did/do have open or semi-open who have a harder time with grief and depression. I think it comes down to individual coping ability and a lot of this is how we are wired. There are probably parallels in the way adoptees handle the emotions that come up for them. Some are not bothered very much be being adopted, and others have much difficulty, sometimes lifelong. It's a very interesting topic, to say the least!