(((Janey))), sweetie, you are so NOT a freak of nature. You are one of the most sane ladies I've ever known.
I am one of those women whose grief brought me to my knees...it very nearly killed me. But as I was telling you yesterday, it wasn't just the grief from relinquishment that I was dealing with. When I attempted suicide as a young adult, it was in response to several extreme traumas happening too close together, within a period of weeks: the sudden death of a very close friend, a therapeutic abortion for medical reasons, and being beaten up and raped by three men. Oh, yeah, I also had just gotten out of a body cast and needed more spinal surgery...I was in extreme pain from a then undiagnosed tumor in my spinal canal. These events happened when my bson was 4 years old. I think it was the rape that pushed me over the edge.
The death of my friend triggered my adoption-related grief, I think. Unfortunately, the psychiatrists in 1976 had no idea about how to deal with birthmothers. I don't think they thought there were any long-term problems as far as grief and loss went. I'm not even sure they offered grief counseling for anybody back in those years. That specific therapy may not have been implemented until the early 1980's, after the publication of
On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
It's funny, Janey, but I've always felt I was a "freak of nature" for having the birthmom pain and grief. So it's kind of like we're on both sides of the spectrum. For years, I felt guilty that I couldn't just get on with my life in a healthy way...that I was somehow stuck in the past. I think being reunited with my son was tremendously healing in regards to the pathological grief I felt.
The only time I came close to feeling this type of pain again was 16 years into the reunion, when DS severed our relationship over a silly misunderstanding. When I joined up here on the forums, I was in an incredible amount of pain...it was worse in some ways than the original relinquishment pain. Thank God my son eventually realized that it was a simple case of miscommunication between us that had caused the problem. We were able to resume our relationship, and the deep pain I had been feeling just dissipated.
Janey, be glad you never went into the emotional depths of hell over surrendering your children. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. You're a survivor, kiddo...and you are one very tough, resilient woman. That's nothing to be ashamed of, my friend.
