Janey, and all the other wise ones. This post has enlightened me, the reason I continue to come back. In my journey of relinquishing, I have never felt like all the rest of us Firstmom. I have read so many Moms' journeys, and have never came upon one that I could say"yeah, I get that, thats how I have felt all these years". I have never felt the need to divulge my relinquishment of the twins,(maybe a protection mechanism?, nor have I ever felt shunned because of other peoples ideas of relinquishing a child!) It is however,possible that it is because I have never met anybody in my real life(as opposed to cyber life), that has ever relinquished a child, hell for that matter I don't even know an adopted child or adult. I have never felt a stigmatism, from anyone/society. In reality, I do not know if this(relinquishing/adopting,) can make someone decide to end their life. Possibly, because I have never felt this, reason I cannot phathom the idea. Do not get me wrong, I am 100% sure that there are women, whom just could not live with having done so. If I ever came across someone whom voiced these feelings, I sure would never ignore and walk away. I guess what I am trying to relay is...I know I relinquished twin sons..fact! I know it has ALWAYS bothered me,saddened me, at times depressed me, and yes even occassionally , I have had alcohol to help numb me! I have nobody to blame, thank GOD for that. My issues, stigma, sadness, is solely with myself. My life is not cunsumed by this act, as much as it is consumed, by my inability to stand up to the agency/S.W....My idea at the time, that I did not take action to go into that hospital and pick my sons' up and take them home..where they belonged. My anger and unresolve, bares solely upon me, my image in the mirror each day, and on occassion, self loathe of my actions. I have never come across anyone on these forums, that have to face cowardness/stupidity/ignorance that has been committed by no one other than theirselves. I have dealt daily with the fact that I, at 25 yrs.old, actually, truly believed, that a hospital could legally keep my twins, until I paid the hospital bill! I had never even questioned, why,if I did not sign relinquishment papers, any judge would take my 6 yr old! Why , and this is a serious question, ladies...WHY would a perfectly smart(although not overly), intelligent,happy,loving Mom, at 25 not fight back, or even question or rebel, or anything? So as you can see by my hi-jacking Janeys' post,, I have not ANYONE to blame..especially society/other people and what THEY think. Hell I don't even have enough humility to care what others think of mothers whom relinquish. I can say this, GOD gifted me with the cowardness to not end my life, for to do so, I am fully aware, would teach my son(s), that I had no faith in A GOD, and that the people I love, meant nothing to me by taking the easy way out..if you can say that suicide is an EASY way out! So tucking, hiding, running, no...just stupidity and ignorance...Hell I look at most of my sisters post on the forums, and can relate, to an extent...but my relinquishment of the twins has not paralized my life, for all in all , I have gone on and been blessed with a good life...but I still have to look in that mirror everyday, I see the scars from the twins, and realize, that I did this to myself...no one else! JANEY, I apologize for hi-jacking, you bring out the beast in me...keep post , for it makes me think, and understand a little more each day..
