Janey, I never felt as though I was going against nature by not having relinquishment stop me dead in my tracks. Often times I felt like I was going against SOCIETIES view of nature, and what a woman is "supposed" to do, by placing my child, but I don't think I ever felt I was going against my own nature. I really felt I was doing the best thing for my son and myself, painful as it was. If that is unnatural, so be it!
I understand the feeling "apart" from people. I think it is more pronounced for me since I don't have other children (mostly by choice, and somewhat by circumstance), and it's hard, as a woman in particular, to live in a society that pretty much expects you are going to have kids (and raise them!). So I've often felt like the "outsider" in this regard.
Quote:
|
Was it wrong to not have relinquishment stop me dead in my tracks and end me?
|
I would have to say NO to this question.
Quote:
|
What does that say about me that it didn't?
|
That you are a strong, gutsy lady, and a survivor. I'm not meaning to imply those who feel like ending their lives, or who ultimately do so, are weak. Everyone has different coping abilities and for some, perhaps relinquishing a child is just too much, or maybe they are already prone to not coping well from previous circumstances, and something as difficult as placing a child becomes the "straw that breaks the camel's back." I imagine we all have our breaking points, and what life circumstances one person can cope with, another cannot. But to me, the idea that someone is wrong or unnatural if she survives placing a child, and doesn't completely break down over it, or the idea that "well, she didn't love her child enough because if she did, she'd sacrifice herself by dying" is not right. There is enough pain and suffering in placing a child for adoption, why add more to it? And why feel guilty about moving forward, or living a good life despite the pain of that decision?? I would think our placed children would WANT us to be as happy and healthy as we want them to be and not on the brink of suicide.
But I totally get what you are saying about feeling like the "outsider." A lot of societal pressure is put on women to be a mother and enjoy every waking moment of it, and never say "I cannot do this" or "I'm not ready for this responsibility," and as birthmothers, we do call into question the whole notion of "maternal love and sacrifice," which is why we get hit with comments like "how could you give away your OWN BABY!" and "I could NEVER do THAT!! I'd work 5 jobs if I had to in order to keep my baby!!" And women have to pay a high price for not doing what they are "supposed" to do (raising their children whether they are able to or not), even if they had very valid reasons for not doing so. But I don't think suicide should be part of that price!! We already pay too high a price in terms of being treated with hostility, having unfair judgments put on us, coping with our own grief and loss with no societal support or ritual whatsoever, feeling guilty, perhaps, about our decision, and not having our decision validated by most people.
And if your relinquishment stopped you dead in your tracks and ended you, you wouldn't be here to offer us your words of wisdom and friendship, let alone all the other lives you touch in your everyday life! THAT would be a real tragedy, Janey, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that.