[MilehighDad]

I have been recommeding the book "Three Little Words" by Ashley Rhodes-Courter because it will help you understand how she feels and therefore why she will respond in ways that seem hurtful and difficult. We are two months into the placement of an 11-year old girl and almost 5 years into the placement of a 14-year old, and I feel like they are both doing great. But, it is very challenging and emotionally draining to keep giving them love and understanding when they often can't return it.

The biggest single piece of advice I would give is to always remain cool and level-headed. I can't say that we have always succeeded with that, but it is quite clear that every time we do get upset, it costs us greatly in the trust and security our girls have. They both will always escalate, escalate, escalate a situation. Our strategy has always been to stay with them when they are disregulated and help them come back down, but it is not always possible to stay without becoming visibly upset and then we have to back off and let them cool off alone. But, when we do succeed their trust grows, the bonding grows and their internal ability to regulate grows.

Everyone will tell you that pre-teen and early teenage girls are difficult, so some behavior is always just the age, too. Just remember that on top of that, she will have no reason to believe that you are going to be there for her and not just abandon her like everyone else in her life has done. That takes a long time to overcome, and I'm not talking weeks or months, but years.