Thanks Raven,
I feel more comfortable here now.
I've felt uncomfortable, seems like I have managed to project it
I guess past experiences got to me. There have been many times and places when I have been silenced when talking about what is true to me regarding adoption. I guess I am suprised my words didn't end with a toss. I hate getting tossed, you don't get a chance to explain your comments, it ends up being a waste of time and no knowledge shared.
I'm too hard headed to leave LOL
I'm here for the emotional end of things too.
I wonder all the time how different my reunion would have been if I were younger, of course I have always wished i was younger when I found them, but I do wonder how well things might have gone. I was a "troubled" teen/young adult. I must have been troubled, I was pretty angry and just plain cold.
That stupid list they have for the adoption child syndrome (I hate being labeled, and I hate that list!). Well just go down the list and check them all, that WAS me.
So I have my doubts that I would have been pleasant, even though I have always wanted to meet my peeps more than anything. I was furious and defiant against the whole world, especially aparents. I can only imagine I would have taken them for all the money I could, gotten what ever I could out of them, show them how angry and hurt I was and moved on until I needed something else from them. i think I vaguley do remember that i felt like they owed me something, didn't feel that way at 40. I wasn't that great at communicating then either, i didn't have the knowledge of many of the emotional issues that separation/adoption caused in me. And i could only imagine, especially after meeting my dad's family, that they would have attempted to parent me, in my defiant state, that would not have gone over well at all. I didn't want ANY parents.
When i was 18 I traveled to the childrens home society that did my adoption and for some reason thought i could just get my info since I was of age. I was so excited, finally, I'd waited so long, the day was finally here.
The lady there laughed at me and said NO and other stuff that I dont' remember, just remember her laughing. I didn't think it was so funny, lost it, cleaned off the ladies desk, tossed my chair across the room and when i snapped out of it or whatever, I realized i had her by the throat saying "Do you think it is funny now? Tell me my mothers name @#$%!"
So.... I got to spend my 18th b-day week in jail, while getting teased by the guard witches " awwww she can't find her mommy, her mommy threw her away, her mommy will hide forever, ha ha ha poor little cry baby" crap like that. I'm suprised I am not still in there LOL
I wandered the country on and off for years, no one in my family knew where I was most of the time.
I surely wouldn't have handled things as well as when I was 40. Even at 22 when I got marrried for the 4th time, my first three husbands died in a 5 year time frame. I didn't have much trust in love, or keeping it, it was all short term, no sense in getting attached.
Then I had my daughter and everything changed. It's been up hill in the love department since. With out that knowledge of the mother child bond, that kind of love that was so foreign to me, I doubt if I would ever really "get it" during reunion or ever.
And I think as we get older, we grow more concerned with those around us, and our decendants/ancestors, instead of just ourselves. At least I did, so now I am just an old broad full of love and attachments, that is liable to say just about anything!
Thanks for the comfort Raven, I look forward to us sharing many more insights together.
Beth
