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We have a 10yr old who we privately adopted at birth. We have sent letters and pictures 1x a year since the beginning. He's just started talking to his birthmom on the phone this year, and we hope they can meet sometime in the future (she lives several states away).
We are uncertain how much contact we will agree to if we get the chance to adopt our 3 fosters. The caseworker suggested 2 meetings a year, with us present the whole time, on a non-holiday in a neutral location. I'm not sure we even want that much contact. The birthfamily has been manipulative and unsupportive the entire time the girls have been with us. The grandparents have said some things that have caused us some major issues. We decided that any contact agreement will be with the bio-mother only. If the grandparents ever want to see these kids again, they will have to do some repairing of the damage they did (meet with the girls and their counselor and tell them how happy they are that the girls are with us and that we are their new family etc...). I doubt they will ever agree to it - and we just can't expose the girls to any more of their toxicity if they aren't willing to work with us.
Our baby boy is the girls half brother - and he has a bio-dad and grandparents that are interested in visitation. We've never met bio-dad, as he was in jail for physically abusing the girls. We don't want the girls to ever have to see him again - so that means visits can't coincide with the other side of the family. We also haven't met any of them - so while we don't have any current reason to distrust the grandparents, I remain cautious.
I think that more than likely we will end up just exchanging pictures and letters for a long time before we'd enter into 'in person' contact. I won't give the kids any letters we get until they are old enough to deal with any feelings it might stir in them.
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