[MilehighDad]

I'm going to go against pretty much every response you have had so far and say that it sounds to me like she is doing great. I think what needs to be recalibrated is your expectation of who she is and how she can act. There is a huge long list of all the things she isn't doing that she could be, like stealing, cutting, pulling her hair out, sneaking out at night, drugs, etc. But the point is: it sounds like she is actually trying to get to know you and meet your expectations. She has no guarantee that you aren't going to give up on her, so why should she be relaxed and comfortable and happy? She is terrified that you won't go through with even letting her move in, so she is protecting her heart. In fact, her heart is probably so well shielded that she won't expose it for YEARS.

If she says she wants you to adopt her, then take her at her word! What she needs to hear, over and over again, is that you aren't going to give up on her and that you will keep trying no matter how she acts. If you can't make that true, then you shouldn't be stepping into her life and trying to make it better. She does not need someone else as a mentor or a friend or to take her out to the zoo once in a while. What she needs are parents, and parents are there for their kids no matter what. She knows what that means, but she does not trust that you are going to do it. She won't trust you and she will test you, much worse than this.

What you are trying to do for her is an awesome and wonderful thing. It is also brutally hard on your emotions and your sanity. She can't return your love, so you have to supply, in vast quantities, with no real return for a long time. But, if you succeed, you will have changed her life forever.