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Originally Posted by RavenSong
My question to all birth/first mothers, do you think it's possible that we "choose" to go on this particular journey before we are even born?
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Pardon me, but I think this is a big bunch of Hooey. It is a convenient way to blame yourself, or for others to blame the victim. For some it may be comforting. Instead of being a hot to trot 23 year old (which I was) I can say I chose this painful path to learn something. I just don't buy it.
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Originally Posted by RavenSong
If so, what have you learned so far? Have you learned a major life lesson? How has relinquishment affected you deep down inside? How has it changed you? Have you learned anything in particular that most people aren't aware of? Something that you wouldn't have learned unless you were separated from your child? Does grief and tremendous loss teach us as human beings? Does it have the potential to make us grow as people?
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It does help some people grow, others it destroys. I think it depends on the person. I think there are people out there who are naturally resilient and will find meaning in their hardships, whatever those hardships might be. I often wonder where my inspiration to write would have lead me had I not given birth and relinquished my son. I have no doubt that I would have written something, I have always been a writer.
On the other hand I have seen it destroy people. The trauma, the heartache is too much and they look to sex, substances, and in some cases, death to ease the pain. I do not see them choosing anything. They are overwhelmed and unable to cope.
I have also seen people live half lives. Not allowing themselves to get that close to anyone, ever again... even subsequent children. Mired in secrets, cutting off, denying a part of who they are because it is too painful to face it.
I have worked with hundreds of birthmoms. I have seen them manipulated by "professionals" who have a feeding frenzy on their personal crisis. I have witnessed the depths of their shame and guilt and how it has negatively effected their lives. I have seen too much to believe that anyone would choose this, whether in the here and now, or in some other realm.