[sundara]

Of course, every situation is different, but what you are describing mirrors so much of what I've been thru with my 4 kids.

My 2nd oldest daughter never believed that BMom did anything wrong, while my other kids absolutely did. At the same time, she (our 2nd oldest) also expressed that she was going to 'save" her biomom (from drugs, depression, bdad, etc) when she was old enough to move out from our home. This went on for 6 years, even with a lot of therapy, hospitalizations, etc. We thought that we had made a huge amount of progress on this front, as she began to express in the last year and a half that she understood that no kid should have to save a parent and that her main goals were to go to college, build a positive life, etc.

We had always told all of our children that TPR means that the BParents are not legally allowed to be with or see the kids due to the issues in bio home (my kids were adopted as older kids & know the issues, and this legal aspect is true in our case), and that it is up to the kids (when they turn 18) to decide if/when they want to initiate contact.

The 2nd oldest made it to 18 & seemed (on many levels) to have made vast improvements in her understanding of her bio parents issues. But, witin 4 weeks of first re-meeting her bio mom (after a year of hiding the fact that she was calling her & talking to her every day for more than 2hrs a day), she asked BMom to send her husband to come & get her from her work. We received a 'middle of the night' text that she had left the state & would explain later.

While your son *might* be ready (or might be feeling gult, obligation, fear, love & a host of other emotions) your daughter is clearly not ready & I agree with you that this has a huge possibility of contributing to a further negative impact on her emotional state.

If the decision is made to go forward, the one positive thing for your daughter may be having this crisis occur while she is (a) still young and (b) still in your home where you can offer tons of support. It is much harder to do anything when they are 18 and decide they are going to do this no matter what you say.

I am sorry if this is too emphatic or harsh - its just that having been thru it, and talking with many other aparents on this forum who've been thru similar events, it is a very tough and confusing thing for the kids involved, especially if the bparent is manipulative and/or if the kids have severe emotional issues.

PS with a manipulative bparent, the last thing I would do is send a letter that most likely will be used against you later. If need be, I would send only the shortest possible message, and would not go into your child's hospitalization at all.