[mommy3]

Leigh, The lack of control in adoption was my nemesis for sure -- but it did teach me to believe on faith, something I've never EVER thought I could do. Now, I did have to keep myself steeled every minute, every hour and fell of that wagon all the time -- the lack of control, the way possibilities would fly into my heart and then fall away when someone else just chose for them to leave, the continued losses. Still, I tried to stay focused (and it was always very painful) that this was the only choice I had. Yep, I had your days (and sometimes weeks) when I was mad first at fertility/infertility and then at the adoption dramas. Not being able to predict when/if things would finally happen for us was crazy. I could make up my cute phrase like, "I'm either a mouse or an elephant; our baby will come in 22 days or 22 months", but that was only one coping mechanism in a place in my life where my will power could only do SO much. Now that we've adopted twice and have 3 amazing children, much of that falls away until I read a note like yours and it all comes back so clearly. It hurts so much to be ready and not match, not have your baby in your arms. Don't lose your hope; don't let the questions go too deep. Wishing you the right situation soon, as feeble as that wish can sound. Still, it's all we've got to go on. . . take care of yourself and your sweet child -- susan