[cetalley]

Raven, I am not sure about pre-destine..reincarnation(sp?)...but I am fairly certain RELINQUISHING my twins, made me more callous, uncaring towards someone elses issues, and over-all, cold and somewhat callous. On many other levels though I have grown! I am able to have heartfelt compassion for certain people(elderly,children,poor,)and anger that is set off instantly by certain people(financially secure, spoiled, unsocialable snots,hollier than thou attitudes)but especially zero tolerance for people whom tell you something and do not follow through! I have a great more deal of overall mistrust,and have no qualms about telling someone that shows direspect to those I love more than life! I say this, wondering did relinquishing my twins do this to me?...I can say without a doubt yes! I must say though, that my relinquishing, was not the norm..in the way of which it was done...so I may not be suitable to even answere this. My first husband, had only 1 leg, since accident took his leg at 19 yrs.old...he was never the same. On many levels I did not understand why he held so many issues in feeling less than whole. However now that I have lost my twins...I do see how the loss of his leg could and did change him forever...how could it not??...do not get me wrong..he was a wonderful Dad to my now 29 yr old..the best....but he never felt like other men,whom felt like they could provide and protect their family...he felt he could not. I felt like I provided and was/am a great Mom to my 29 yr old....but failed with my twins and will always feel as I am" missing a part of my body"....therefore, by choosing to NEVER have another child...I could ensure that I would never have the chance to hurt a child after failing to provide and protect my twins!...Does anything I have just said make sense or am I just not able to explain what relinquishing has done to me. It comes across sounding as if I am this bitter ole bag...I really am not. I love my life, my family, my home, being a wife, mom, and NaNa to 2 wonderful grandbabies.....I am compassionate to a fault, and do kind deeds that those I do them for never know. I have forgiven all that have hurt me, and enjoy my every day that GOD gives me.....BUT I am NOT WHOLE!