[JustPeachy]

I think if your son was older and you asked him, he would say without a doubt that he would not want you to not have good days.

I used to feel guilty over the years for bettering myself. For instance, when I would write update letters, I was almost afraid to say I had returned to school, got my undergrad as well as an advanced degree, traveled a bit, was having fun, exploring hobbies and interests, etc. I was worried that my son would think "oh, she just gave me up so she could do all these things" and truth be told, although my personal growth was not the reason for my choice to place him, I probably wouldn't have accomplished what I did if I was raising him as a single teenaged mom with very limited resources and support. After awhile, I thought, why should I feel guilty for living a good life, and would he really want me to sit around and be miserable?? I have never forgotten him, even though I did move on in my life, and it's probably better to think in terms of moving FORWARD and making progress, than moving on, since moving on implies forgetting, and that is definitely not the case.

You will have conflicting feelings from time to time, like you are having now, and it is good to bring these issues up in counseling.