[Janeytwo]

Cksmom

I wonder if that has anything to do with ALL THE SECRETS? Many bmoms were told to never tell their future husbands and many never did.....How in the heck do you tell a man about a baby you had 39 years ago and not be afraid that it will ruin everything?

That's a very good question. I guess it would depend on the man but then I can't imagine living with the loss of my children and not telling either one of my husband's. That seems like a great deal of strain for anyone to put on themself.

Most importantly it would be (my opinion only) dishonoring my son and daughter and my raised daughters. My actions in my teen years may be something I regret, but I can't and won't say I regret my 4 children. I don't.

This thing you posted about being told not to tell? Sigh....that sounds like "family rules" crapolio. I would hope no therapist or social worker would advise something that dishonest, but then after some of the stuff I've heard in here - guess I shouldn't be surprised.

The lies I spoke of were the ones I told myself about my ex-husband's drinking and how nobody knew. Meanwhile he's chasing cars down the street. LOL! But the threat of exposure to the general public over the surrender of my children was a constant and frightening one.

I kept that from the general public. IMO, either a person learns to do that very quickly or they pay the price. The public cannot be trusted with such painful history. They immediately either try to canonize me (which I don't hate them for - it's just very uncomfortable spiritually), or they are spiteful and downright mean. And trust me when I say, I've been told things that litterally shocked me so badly, I thought the skin would burn off my body. No other way to describe it.

Both of my husbands have always treated the surrender of my children with the respect it is due. And to his credit, even in his most blindingly drunken state, my ex never used that as ammo. (And anyone who's lived with an active alcoholic knows how rotten they can behave under the influence of booze.)

Women of course are the very lastpeople I would tell. With the exception of one woman who said to me, "Those were crazy times, Janey. I could've ended up pregnant and so could most other women - they just don't have the nads to admit it." With the exception of her, women have been singularly viscious to me. I don't put my head on that chopping block.

My family is also an issue. Laughing here, many times over the years when new people have entered our family's tightly-knit sphere mom has looked at me -eyes like saucers she's so afraid - and said, "Janey, you don't have to tell anyone about your kids. It's not something they need to know!"

I always smile quietly and say, "I hadn't planned on it mom."

Her response (much relieved), "Good. That's settled then."

she told me he didn't know but said he is so wonderful that he will go along with anything she wants. Well, I have to think that she started thinking harder about that and freaked out.

I suspect (though of course I can't actually know) that what's really freaking her isn't the history of herself that she's painted in everyone elses eyes, it's the history she's painted in her own.

Now she has to face herself. And she has to face herself in you; her daughter.

Maggie

However, I will say that the only time my marriage came close to ending was after dd found us......I hadn't dealt with soooo many issues that they hit me all at once.

And there's the ugliness of the Closed Era. The message from our parents especially and society as a whole. The "just forget and go on" BS. Someone on another thread spoke of how they were told by a family member (translating roughly here), "Why can't you let this go? I thought you'd dealt with it years ago."

Uh huh. Yeah. Right. And how did a person deal with the pain of a loss they weren't allowed to express within the confines of their family?

Someone else had replied to that thread that it would be like asking someone to live without their heart. At the time I thought that wasn't the exact analogy I would've used. I think I would've said to my sibling if they said that to me, "How about your husband disappears and you never see him again and you never know if he lived or died and we all just pretend he never existed in the first place? And then we tell you that since you made the mistake of getting married in the first place, that you made your own bed and now you can lie in it. How about we all do that? Hey! I'm hungry, let's have lunch!"

I think that covers the callouness of my family to a tee.

I'd be willing to bet it covers yours as well Maggie. Just even dealing with that garbage puts a hole in person's self-worth that takes decades to return from.

And the pain of the surrender of your daughter to begin with.

That's a lot to ask of oneself to be "totally fine" with that. I've seen two rare posts in here where someone has come in just for one or two posts to announce to the rest of us losers how they are "completely at peace" with their decision and that even though they respect us, they don't get what our problem is.

I had shared with a friend in here that that's on par with women who come into AlAnon only to tell everyone at the table that they don't have a problem with their husband's drinking, that they can handle it.

I saw an old-timer confront someone with that attitude once. She said, "Oh really? Then why are you here?"

I for one am just glad that I'm here and that you're here too!


Hugs to all!