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To me, the problem I have with these types of comments are the way the usually presented: "I would get too attached", "My heart is too big", "I wouldn't be able to give the kids back", " I would love the kids too much".... it feels to me like the speaker is patting themselves on the back for how caring they are and saying that people who care as much as they do can't do foster care.
To me, it feels like they feel the need to justify not doing foster care to, a person who has fostered, and their justification is that they care too much.
I don't need to hear the reasons why someone chooses not to do foster care, especially when they are presented in way to booster the speakers own self-worth; because in their way of presenting the comment they insinuate that I am not as caring as they are, that my heart isn't as big as theirs, that I don't love the kids as much as they would... it is a put down in the form of a compliment in order to make those who don't foster feel better about themselves.
What is worse is that I truely feel most of the people who say these things ARE trying to compliment foster parents and don't realize how hurtful their comments actually are.
I have had one person, one, say to me "I could never do that, you must be a really strong person and I can see how great you are for your kids ."
That was the nicest compliment I ever received, it was not false and the speaker was not trying to justify her reasons for not doing foster care. I don't ever try to pressure others to do foster care, I feel it is a calling, I don't bring it up, I don't look down on others who don't foster, but many people feel insecure around foster parents and therefore use these "backhanded" compliments w/o realizing that they are being insulting.
I usually just sigh now with a tight smile on my face and don't comment, because I realize that most people are trying to be nice. For the ones that really over the top... (of those kids are so damaged, you must have dealt with addiction yourself in the past, how do you deal with those people) well, they get given the facts if I feel they are misinformed about foster care.
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K
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