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This may be totally going in the wrong direction but can you sit down and talk to your son and explain to him this situation with your daughter and would he be willing NOT to see his mother at this time? This way you could avoid the situation all together.
I don't know how much this may affect your son but it just seems that this is a really bad time for this to be happening.
Would he understand if you explain to him why this is a bad time for him to see his birth mom?
My husband and I have had many talks about possibly letting our kids see their birth mom (and my son has very black and white thinking like your dd - only remembers the good times) and at this time we feel they wouldn't be able to handle it.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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