[sak9645]

When I opened your post, I thought I would be hearing about bands and chocolate fountains and party themes and hotel amenities. How refreshing it was to see that you were actually talking about helping your child to think about living a Jewish life!

Today's Bar and Bat Mitzvahs often bother me a great deal. The only "ritual" that seems important to the kids is the one that comes after the ceremony -- namely, the party.

My daughter is going to a Bat Mitzvah ceremony and party this weekend. At 13, for the party, she will be wearing an evening gown with spaghetti straps, and gold sandals with three inch heels. (She has owned a strapless bra for two years.) A tiny bit of cleavage will be visible, but her dress is conservative compared to some I've seen; most of the girls go strapless. It also has a bubble skirt that comes almost to the knees, which is a lot longer than some out there. ALL the girls will be dressed like that, and many are girls from religious families.

Luckily, my daughter is not into makeup; she may wear a tiny bit of eye shadow or blush. She will also leave her beautiful hair natural. Not all of the girls are like that. But needless to say, she will have nail polish on her toes and fingers.

The family has hired a bus to take the kids to a hotel, where there will be a dance, a buffet meal, and so on. As always, the family will give out socks, since the girls don't actually WEAR the heels, and you don't want the boys kicking each other with their dress shoes on. The boys will, of course, be in suits -- but usually with their shirt tails out, and their ties hanging out of their pockets.

There will be a DJ or a group of dancers who lead the activities. There will be a chocolate fountain or something like it. There will be the equivalent of goody bags, often with fairly expensive gifts that have the Bat Mitzvah girl's picture on it, or at least the date of the event. There may be a caricaturist or some other amusement.

The girls will hang out in the ladies' room, gossiping. The boys will horse around. A few kids "may" dance, especially if they do the limbo or "Coke and Pepsi".

The event will be well chaperoned, and I don't need to worry about drugs or alcohol. But is this what kids should remember about a Jewish coming of age ceremony? Something just doesn't feel right.

Sharon