[worriedparent]

I love my 25 year old son, whom we adopted just before his fourth birthday, so very much, but I'm running out of options to deal with his behaviors. We knew he was somewhat limited before we adopted him: didn't speak more than a couple understandable words, IQ was "around 88-90" -- to the extent you can test a mostly non-verbal 4 year old -- with some early evidence of learning disability. But he learned to speak well and very quickly with speech therapy.
He was a cheerful, relatively sociable child for a couple years, but as school started, problems emerged...he was so much less mature than kids his age, and unable to follow many directions. We let him repeat Kindergarten, and that seemed to help, as the younger children were more "his age" behaviorally. He enjoyed the social aspects of school, but never formed real friendships...he was the child often not invited places, or not invited back. Kids are tough: aside from play situations, or athletic teams, he just didn't fit in, or couldn't quite keep up with conversations, didn't grasp social cues, etc. He did adapt, with many cues and hints, and was always welcome and loved at big family events, and in relatives' homes, etc. And he was basically easy to raise: not demanding, easy going about foods, schedules, etc. Just required close supervision and many reminders for even basic self care, etc.
School was always challenging, though he was polite and mostly cooperative. His attention span was very short, and wandered without structured assistance. But with extensive help from family members and tutors and a good school system, he graduated from high school with a regular ed diploma. But by his junior year the lack of friendships, the fact that his athletic abilities weren't nearly enough to be in any competitive setting he chose, and especially his lack of comprehension of social mores, caused him to withdraw to the point that he was nearly silent much of the time.
Over the years we sought assistance for him through our medical plan, and were told NOTHING about attachment disorder. He was treated for ADD (he was not hyperactive), and, following a suicide threat 2 years ago, was hospitalized and treated for "chronic anxiety disorder". He seems "stable" if that's a good word, on medication, but doesn't bother to take it without reminders, and says it "doesn't make me feel different". Because he did not and does not "act out wildly" -- no fighting, stealing, or whatever else is considered "acting out", they seem to think attachment disorder is not the issue.

We loved him from the first day we met him, and believed -- as I still do -- that he loved us, though he was not demonstrative and somewhat stiff when hugged, after the age of 5 or so. What is very clear is that any thought of my NOT being here, or not having someone to look after him, is extremely disturbing to him. But he won't go to counseling -- and in this State, it seems it is impossible to make him do so.

However, he seems unable to conceive that he must take care of himself, and certainly appears to anyone who knows him, to have that ability. His hygiene is awful, without reminders, and that, of course, also affects any socializing. He reads well, and is able to follow written directions for laundry, etc., but doesn't bother.

So since high school, he has "gone nowhere", in terms of moving forward with his life. He seems to be stuck at about 13-14, and resists any effort to assume even small responsibility for his own daily living and future needs. My husband passed away 18 months ago, and our adult daughter, 2 years older than J, is living out on her own, with a job and a Masters Degree in progress. I can no longer motivate J to do anything to care for himself, without encountering strong resistance or the most basic one-time low level compliance...and no follow through.

He has managed to retain a retail clerk job -- 10-18 hours per week -- for over 4 years, and handles money, makes change, etc. He is conscientious about being on time to work, and shows basic reliability in that. For that reason, I was told he doesn't qualify for any form of social assistance, which I tried to find for him after the hospital: a work program, or organized housing that might help him live somewhat more independently. Now with the economy so bad, he is getting even fewer hours at work, and does not seem much phased that that reduction in pay may keep him from having even some pocket money, or pay a cell phone bill, much less help with any living costs.

The suddeness of my husband's death has made me very aware that, as an older parent, I just won't always be there for J. His sister loves him, but has become increasingly unwilling to have him in her life, beyond the time the 3 of us are together, because of the hygiene issues, and his peculiar behaviors...sometimes not responding when her friends speak to him.

He showed some facility with computers, and qualified for a grant for some computer classes. However, he doesn't seem to have any plan for how that knowledge might convert to a job. He was very angry when I demanded to go with him to the school, and extend his class schedule to more classes, since his work hours are almost nil.

Relatives who visit are noticing the downhill slope of our relationship...that he speaks rudely to me more often, that he does not help with anything without supervision or nagging. They're encouraging me to put him out on his own -- sink or swim style. But now that I've heard of attachment disorder, I wonder if there isn't some way to get him seen, diagnosed, treated, helped...??? I have read and heard some TERRIBLE things about therapy for attachment disorder, and those were enough to scare me off. But I cannot give up hope that he can have a better life, and I truly fear what would happen to him, if he completes some classes and finds that that "goes nowhere" because he can't relate well enough to people to get a higher level job. I doubt even his current employer would keep him, if his hygiene and dress habits slipped...employers now are looking for reasons to NOT schedule part-timers.

Anyone have advice, a clue, a referral? J is, so far, a good decent person who hasn't hurt anyone -- except himself -- but may not be able to sustain on his own at all.