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I am one of those adoptive moms who believes that the entire triad needs to feel empowered and be satisfied.
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LoveMyKids...I think it's great that you feel this way, and I think that as a first Mom it would be important for me to see this in my daughters Mom as well.
However, it seems that society doesn't fall in line with your beliefs. And while I believe that you're absolutely right - that we should feel like we have a sense of agency and that we deserve hapiness, satisfaction, etc., it's hard to keep that belief when you're hearing what everyone else thinks all the time. Finding the strength to break "birthmom stereotypes" is a very challenging thing.
So yes, she may be scared, not ready emotionally, and still in pain....that doesn't just go away. But I know that I've also had to battle with the idea that I don't have a place in Cupcake's (my daughters) life. That I'm not needed. That it's "better" if I just go away. The fight to not believe those things can be very, very hard.
I hope for all of you that your daughters first Mom is able to see her value in all of this.