[sak9645]

I get really mad about the places that require potty training by 2.5, or 3, or even 4.

I know all about state laws. I still hate it that kids below the age of kindergarten are subject to such pressure.

Kids will potty train if they are in a situation where they are not pressured, where they see other children using the toilet, and where they are taught to value independence and self-reliance.

How do you expect a child to take responsibility for toileting if he/she has never learned to put on his/her own clothes or to put his/her toys away in the right place after he/she plays with them?

How do you expect a child to take responsibility for toileting if he/she is allowed to sit around whining when he/she can't do something, instead of figuring it out or using his/her words (or even signs) to ask for specific help?

Interestingly, my daughter had zero interest in either potty training or dressing herself before she started at a preschool where the entire curriculum focused on developing self-reliance. Within two weeks, she demanded her underwear and said she'd be dry by day -- and she was! And very soon thereafter, she was one of the fastest dressers in the class!

I attribute part of the potty training to the fact that she was in a setting with a unisex bathroom containing toilets, potties, urinals, and a changing table, and the kids could use whatever they wanted, even if they were four years old when they started there. Every day, they observed kids using the toilets and urinals, and every one of them, even the boys, trained quickly.

But I also attribute part of the potty training to the fact that I had been so focused on attachment, that I forgot all about the importance of teaching kids to be self-reliant, within the limits of their age and maturity. Once Becca was getting the message that independence and self-reliance were valuable, she moved quickly in that direction. And the two areas where it was easiest for a preschooler to use independence and self-reliance were, of course, dressing and toileting.

At 13, my daughter is still a very self-reliant and independent kid, and is far more "responsible" than many of her peers. She takes full charge of cleaning her room, doing her laundry, and managing her homework. She shares dog walking and feeding chores with me on an "equals" basis. She keeps an appointment calendar so she knows when she is supposed to go to Bat Mitzvahs or sleepovers, and is expected to let me know in sufficient time if we need to buy a gift or something. She can prepare simple meals for herself. She looks at the price tag (at least most of the time), before asking me to buy her something.

This has not really hurt attachment any. Just because she doesn't "need" me for everything does not mean that she is not attached. She is an affectionate, warm-hearted girl, who is much loved by her friends (and their parents). She is a great daughter, and I believe that our relationship is a good one.

Sharon