Ripples, iniowanow
Thanks for your replies. It was a tuff day for me yesterday, as it always is. you'd think it would get better over the years, but it hit me pretty hard this year, which is confusing to me, I can call my mom on the phone now, don't have to send secret telepathic signals anymore. I guess it is all just more real now. Mourning the real thing, not the fantasy of it.
iniawanow, I completely understand what you say and I agree 100%. And I use that type of thinking for power on this day, and most days.
But I have to say, and not in meanness or anger of any sort: you may not have viewed you childrens birthdays as a celebration of the day they were born, but I would bet millions that your children do.
It's sooooooo difficult to ignore when you feel like you feel when you go to the funeral of someone you loved. It's hard to shake the ache in chest, being on the edge of tears all day, sick feeling in the gut, it's the same feeling I had at my first husbands funeral. I was dying inside, but as people came to the funeral and brought hugs, food and gifts to the house I had to work hard to smile for them and thank them with out bursting out in tears or breaking down and hiding in a dark corner. It's the same feeling I have on my b-day. I try really hard to shake it, and I have had 47 years of trying to shake it or "get over it", I manage to suck it up on most of the other days of the year, I don't like it one bit, and once again - hopefully next year will be less intense. May be it's so hard to ignore on my birthday because it reminds me of it and it's sort of like my free day of feeling how I want to, of thinking of my mother and father, but I don't really get to unless I do it secretly for fear of being called ungrateful for life, or hurting adopted families feelings.
like you said Ripples, a day of mixed "blessings", and it is good to be able to express these feelings here, thank you, cause it's not something I do outloud in my world. God forbid I act ungrateful on my birthday.
My amom was shocked a few years ago when I told her how my birthday was difficult for me. She said it was a little awkward for her, because it did make her think of my birth and my mother, you know, birth day - the celebration of the anniversary of my birth. We always chose to celebrate life that day and ignore the rest. Which is good I guess, but it took me 40 years to tell my mom how I felt, and it felt so liberating to share that with her.
She's always been there for me with a card right on time and a call, parties when I was little, she didn't know I was sending telepatic signals to my other mom with every bit of energy in me while I was blowing out candles, til I told her. But she did say she could tell I was stressed when I was little, but hoped it was just from all the people and the activites of the day, but knew deep down that probably wasn't the only reason.
I will always be thankful to my amom for helping me celebrate this day, I know I can depend on her for support, she's never missed a bday, always on time, she's given me love and attention on that day every year which helps so much, even when she didn't know that I was in such horrible pain. My adad too, even tho most of his support came from the chair he sat in while watching activities and eating his cake
He always had a pocket knife ready to help open presents lol and on my 30th and 40th he went out by himself and bought me a birthstone ring with lots of diamonds too. I'll never forget that. Gives me a small reason to look forward to the big 50 that is right around the corner.
This is year 8 for me of getting calls, cards and presents from my natural mother and father, and thier families (my families too
. I have seen, especially in my dear loving mother, the pain felt over the loss of me. I mourn for their loss too. So as I rightfully mourn my great losses and express my anger and frustration, I've really never been stronger, happier or more content than I am today. Confusing huh.
364 more days til we get to do it all again... hopefully!