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I think it is different for every family and can be different in different contexts. I have friends with many adopted children, mostly f-a, many of their kids have open relationships with birthfamily, clearly each child's birthfamily singles that child out among the 12 kids total.
We are adopting my niece. Her first parents gift and write to our biochildren also. Frankly, I'd prefer they didn't--I'm uncomfortable enough and find it difficult enough to navigate their relationship with her, that they extend their reach into my home to our other children only makes it worse. I'm not proud of that sentiment, but there you go.
Niece's other birthfamily on her first mother's side send cards and gifts only to her and that is fine. Our kids not only understand this, they are good with it and the same-age DD says she is glad that her sister-to-be has some special attention because she knows she needs it. We are grateful that they do what they do, and certainly don't expect more. So that works for us.
Where children get treated the same in our family that I am comfortable with and want is within our family. My parents, sisters, etc. and DH's mother and other siblings, etc. treat all our kids the same--even though niece is not yet legally or biologically related to my family. That I would insist on, but haven't had to beyond one conversation with my dad a couple of years ago. There is nothing in his actions or demeanor, that is different among the children, though, and I give him a lot of credit for that as he is pretty old school in some ways.
Niece's first father is Uncle X to our bios, just plain X to her and sometimes the bios, too. That worked out OK, too, since she never called him "dad" until he insisted she do so about six months into her second removal. When she has asked, we've been clear he is still first father, and will also be uncle after the adoption. She is old enough to get that. She is also old enough to have told me that she thinks it would be "weird" for her to call him "uncle X." That's fine, I get that and wouldn't insist on it.
I could see, though, that in another family with different dynamics, and with starting with an infant, that roles and titles may need to be set more clearly--as long as the child is raised openly to know the actual biological relationships as they grow old enough to understand what biological relationships are. (Niece did not even at age 6; to her, "mom" and "dad" were titles some people gave the grownups in the house where you lived. She had no clue her first parents had any different relationship to her than her first foster parents or us.)
Sorry to be so long-winded. With five adopted children in the house, by now you probably have a good idea of what works best for your family in managing open relationships and your extended family. It may help in talking with your BIL to take the personal out of the discussion by talking about how it works with your other children's birthfamilies or how it works with your other extended family with regard to all the children. If he felt less singled out and more as if this child was moving into an existing system, it might take some of the sting out of it, especially if you are clear about being open with the child as it grows about who is who biologically.
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