[M.I.Ur.Birthsister]

Reunion as External or Internal Process

As the data were analyzed, several themes became evident that seemed to relate to Andersen's (1989) two models of therapeutic search. Understanding of the reunion as an event that was either a fairly passive acquisition of an external component or as an active, internal process of personal growth emerged as relevant factors.

An excellent example of an internal process was provided by an adoptee who, although her birthmother had died, proceeded with a reunion with her aunts, uncles, and cousins. The adoptee had gained as much information and material evidence (jewelry, photographs, any memorabilia) as possible about the birthmother, from which she had formed a very definite conceptualization of her birthmother. She then “reached inside herself” and made a strong connection: “They have given me enough of my mother to allow me to connect with her.” The adoptee “changed forever,” gaining a strong sense of self and the ability to regard herself as a worthwhile person.

An external process is exemplified by another adoptee whose birthmother had also died. In spite of a very rewarding relationship with her birthsister, she was unable to find solace because she had been searching for a mother who would provide the nurturing, affection, and acceptance that she had not experienced from her adoptive mother. Consequently, she still “feels like an orphan.”

Several of the birthmothers had progressed in their conceptualization of the reunion, from understanding it as a purely external process to seeing it as also involving internal aspects. The mothers had achieved a state of “having been made whole again” that they would maintain regardless of whether the reunion relationship continued. For one birthmother in particular, who was estranged from her child for a period of time, this shift in her understanding of her situation enabled her to cease feeling desperate for the adoptee's physical presence. She no longer had a need to demand the adoptee's attention, nor try to manipulate proceedings. “I have her in my heart,” she said, “and nothing can take that away.” While she continued to desire an ongoing reunion relationship, she knew she could survive without it, and survive as a well-adjusted, well-functioning person.

DISCUSSION

Before summarizing the findings, it should be noted that participants in this study were selected by theoretical sampling and that they are not necessarily representative of the wider population of individuals who have been involved in adoption reunion relationships. It seems probable that people who are experiencing satisfying reunions or who are hopeful of a relationship being resumed, rather than those whose relationships have ceased, are more likely to offer to participate. This same group is also more likely to be accessible through adoption support groups. Nevertheless, the qualitative research design and methodology of Smith (1995) has been applied rigorously, and the results of the present study have implications for both practice and research.

Although presented in discreet sections, the themes outlined above interact with each other. Thus, it is difficult to make definitive statements about which are primary and which are secondary. As expected, it was found that where there is a good match of expectations between birthmothers and adoptees, the relationship is likely to be maintained and to be highly satisfactory to both parties. Adoptees seem to have a wider range of expectations than do birthmothers in regard to the degree of intensity and intimacy in the relationship, the degree of integration into each other's everyday lives, and the model of relationship sought. Adoptees who have unrealistic expectations, such as obtaining a fairy godmother or acquiring a particular missing component, are more vulnerable to disappointment and more likely to have difficult reunion relationships. Similarly, birthmothers who expect to reclaim their child and who consider it their right to have an ongoing relationship with the adoptee, are likely to experience difficulties.

Expectations relating to the style of relationship sought are complicated by the lack of an ideal model of relationship and differing definitions of mother. Overall, those who have expectations that are general rather than specific, and who are willing to modify their expectations, tend to have more satisfactory reunion relationships. When participants' expectations are incongruent, the difference is often a matter of degree. In these situations, it is usually the person with greater expectations (more frequently the birthmother) who accommodates by accepting less. If this modification does not occur, the participant who wants less often feels overwhelmed and withdraws to some extent. It seems that the overall pace of the relationship needs to be set by the person who wants the least.

Several factors were identified as having a positive influence on reunion relationships: a) information and vicarious learning gained from a support organization and its group meetings; b) a slower development of the relationship, using letters and phone calls, prior to the initial face-to-face meeting; c) support for the reunion relationship from the adoptive family; d) demonstration of empathy toward the other parties; and e) the participants' conceptualization of the reunion as involving an internal process of personal growth in addition to the acquisition of an external element.