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Hilary,
I placed my son into an open adoption 4.5 years ago. I was 26, have a good education, all of the right things, but I wasn't ready to be a GOOD mom and my boyfriend wasn't even ready to be a mediocre dad.
I did what I had to do for kiddo. I struggled through six weeks of him in the NICU. I spent a total of about 3 hours with him before I signed my rights away when he was about 6 months old.
I put on the happy, I'm ok with this face for a long time. Eventually I stopped with that. It hurts like heck. I have two gaping holes in my heart now. One where my son belongs and the other where my FIRST family belongs.
You know, if you change your mind, visits aren't confusing. I see my kid for between 8 and 10 hours a year. That doesn't confuse him, but he knows who I am and won't have to wonder. I'm not a mythical person, he knows all the cool things about me and the not so cool. There won't be the agony of trying to decide if he wants to contact me when he is older. I'll be a part of his life.
Are visits easy for me? Not always, it hurts that someone else calls him mom, but I have my proof that he is good, proof that you can't get in pictures or letters.
The pain will lessen, I promise you. Sometimes it hits me again, full force. The best way I can describe it is getting my heart bandaged up enough so it only drips and then something happens and it all gets ripped off. It is getting easier and easier to rebandage though.
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First mom to the amazing Kiddo and adopted adult.
1-4-2009 Mom and I visit Kiddo despite the bad weather. He really loved the blue mittens I made him and even helped me plan my living room. Apparently Hot Wheels wallpapper is the way to go.
2-16-2009 I got a promotion, that comes with a raise. Mom and Dad are visiting and we're going to Al's for pie to celebrate.
4-27-2009 Dad surprises me with a Lady Ugly Stick (an awesome fishing rod that is pink) and a 2nd Iowa Light Artillery Battery jacket. I'm a lucky girl!
5-30-2009 Kiddo turns five. It is hard to believe he is that old already, it seems like just yesterday he was being born. I was at peace for the first time on his birthday, what a nice feeling.
6-13&14 2009 A cannon live fire in Casper WY. We got third place and I got to see Devil's Tower for the first time, it was pretty awesome.
7-4-2009 Amelia the kitten comes to live with me and Liz. Talk about jealousy, Liz will adjust though.
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