First off, congratulations on your beautiful baby boy.
The first year is so very hard. I was in a similar situation as you, just barely 19, not in college yet but very well decided on adoption for my child from the start because I wanted so much more than I knew I could provide for him at that time. I was thinking "oh, this won't be so bad, because I KNOW this is the right decision." I was not prepared for how much it would hurt. People did try to tell me, but I did not believe them until I was actually experiencing it. I still feel I made the right decision, but that doesn't mean it wasn't painful. Remember, it is perfectly OK and NORMAL to grieve. Number one, your hormones are all over the place and readjusting. Two, you've just experienced a very real and deep loss. You will have times where you just need to break down and let it all out. This is hard and painful, but not a bad thing. Do you have access to counseling? I would highly recommend it, as it helped me tremendously. I had a semi-open with updates and pictures, but at the time I relinquished my child, it wasn't defined as such. I think I was just very fortunate that my son's parents were so responsive to my requests for updates. This helped me more than I can tell you to see his progress and know what he looked like. Also, talking and connecting with other birthmothers is very helpful. My agency has a birthmother support group which I have found very helpful, and I also have a friend who is a birthmom. The ladies here are also truly wonderful.
People tend to dismiss a birthmother's pain, especially if it was her decision to place. They think "oh, you WANTED this," as if you are just supposed to skip along merrily on your way like Juno and strum a guitar! Just because you made this decision does not mean it won't be painful for you. But it will get better and you can heal. Try to think of the grieving you are going through as a part of that healing process. It is far better to let it out and acknowledge it than to stuff it or try to forget it. That just doesn't work.
If you like to write, journaling is also a good way to get it all out on paper. Try to take extra special care of yourself right now, too.
