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Originally Posted by Foundoutat50
Speaking from experience as an amom, I've willingly poured everything I could into my DD and it would break my heart to be replaced. Yes, DD's bmom is younger, bears a strong resemblance to DD, shares her interest in music, has the same health issues. I can't help it that I'm older, don't like Metallica, don't resemble DD. Those things didn't seem important when she was a crying infant, when I was throwing birthday parties, sewing costumes, holding hands during scary times, cuddling in bed during bad dreams, guiding, cooking, cleaning. I'm the one who has dealt with skipping school, poor choices that I won't begin to talk about here, debts, hostility, struggles with being adopted, so much more. Bmom missed a lot of really wonderful experiences but she's also missed some dreadful things too. I wasn't the one who didn't take precautions and got pregnant when it wasn't the 'right time', nor did I make the decision to allow DD to be adopted but I've given everything I've got to taking her place. I have always told DD that her bmom loved her so much she made a very selfless and courageous decision. I can't help it that we don't have that bio connection and I wish with all my heart that I could be her bmom.
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I'd give my right arm, eye, and leg to be able to do those things for my son. I think all of us know that parenting isn't just about the good stuff and in order to have our children with us we would take the good with the bad rather than feel the pain that we do.
I did take precautions that failed. I had the foresight and love for my son to know at that time I couldn't be the mom he deserved. I also knew that my boyfriend at the time was not even close to ready for parenthood. You can tell me all you want that we shouldn't have been having sex then, but lots of people, even married ones, aren't ready for parenthood, so that is a moot point. We both loved our son enough though to make a choice that changed us forever. We loved him enough to put him in front of our needs, especially myself, because there was nothing that I wanted more than to be his mother. It is easy to stand in judgement of others when we are hurting for whatever reason, but it doesn't help a single soul.
None of us replace the other. I don't replace the daughter that my mother couldn't have, my mom doesn't replace my first mom, my son's mom doesn't replace me and I don't replace her. In a good situation we all compliment each other.
My mom always says that families are added to and subtracted from every day and that how they are added to makes no difference just that it is about loving each other like family. So those of us that are adopted have lots of family, no big deal, if you can embrace that rather than trying to replace, you'll have a much healthier experience for yourself and your daughter.