There are things in adoption that are just hard. And for many aparents whose adult or young adult kids are in the beginning stages of reunion, it's just HARD. It's difficult to quantify and it is
not an insult to either your bmom (that she's trying to take your place) or to you (that you would replace her). Please don't take her struggle to mean that she thinks bad things about either you or your birth mother, or that she's a bad amom for not just being happy for you. I would be very surprised, and skeptical, to hear any amom say that the new intense reunion of their child with their birth family has brought them
nothing but joy. There are many feelings all mixed in, and some moms just do a better job of focusing on the joy vs. the fear, or handling their feelings on their own without laying that burden on their child.
Motherhood is something that runs very deep and is very instinctual and involves intense feelings that can't be discussed away with logic or a couple hugs (though they always help
). When another woman steps into a mother-daughter relationship with your child- no matter what form, how casual, or how new- it's a HARD thing to adjust to, to trust, even just to witness. Not because it's terrible, but because it's HARD. A lot of transitional stages in a child's life ar very hard emotionally for parents, and adoption reunion is not only not an exception, it is one of the most difficult transitions/adjustments an adoptive parent has to make.
I know both women's feelings are hard for you to witness right now, but it's part of the sometimes difficult experience of being connected to the same child by adoption. Just like it's totally normal for you to feel intensely happy and yet confused about the new relationship with your birth mother, and normal to feel frustrated that your amom doesn't seem to be registering the same joy as you in this and seems to be oppositely impacted.
I love Raven's advice. Do your best to empathize with trying to cure. Be patient with their feelings as you want them to be with yours. And it will take time.
Over time, your amom will see that she is not being replaced. Over time, your birth mother will find joy in the present and future without being paralyzed in the past. Over time, you will have clarity about what it means to have both women in your life.