[Janeytwo]

Dear Islandmom,

Hi. I'm a birthmom - not in reunion. Just thought I'd reply to your post...just in general.

Let's see....

She is 23 and still very influenced by her amom. ......She said she wanted to keep things 'low key' cuz she could tell our relationship was hurting her amom.

It's kind of ironic that I came across your post. I was sitting on the sofa last night...you know, doing the "New Year's reflection" thing and I was thinking back to when I was 23. I was so young. Still under the influence of many people's opinions of me; of the way I should live my life. My mother's view of me especially decided many of my actions. And I suspect that's probably true for most of us.

It sounds like your daughter is struggling with her feelings of loyalty to you and her adoptivemom. I imagine it must be hard for her; the pressure of that. Perhaps in asking you to keep things low-key she is trying to come up with a solution that keeps the peace; for everyone else and for her.

Of course, I can imagine this must hurt after 5 years of reunion with her but it doesn't appear she's saying she's cutting off her relationship with you, just that she's trying to maintain balance. So perhaps you can take some encouragement from that. She seems like a very sensible young woman who takes other people's feelings into serious account. That's a wonderful trait!!

Her amom told me once that she had sent me a letter a couple of months after the adoption and that should have given me closure.

I'm not sure if you're from the Closed Era. But I know that we were told not to search; that our children wouldn't need it; that it would be rude and possibly dangerous to their psyches. That closure had been reached in the signing of the adoption papers.

I am wondering if possibly your daughter's amom was told the same thing? Is she possibly repeating what she learned from the agency? That could very well be.

I don't think she respects the sacrifice I made.

Hmmmm....this is a hard one to respond to because I don't want you to take what I say the wrong way. Forgive me - this is in no way meant as an insult, but why do you need her to respect your sacrifice? It is only important that you respect what you went through. Someone who hasn't walked a mile in my shoes can't possibly know how tight the fit is. But I know how tight it is and that's all that matters.

IMO - Letting go of needing her to understand will free you and bring you peace. You can't convince people to be compassionate; can't argue for them to see your point of view. Ask any drug addict, they will tell you. Some people try to understand the hard road an addict has to travel to recover; some people could care less. Either way, the addict still has to love themself and forgive themself if they hope to stay well.

I hope that made sense.

Anyway....hoping that things can even out for you, your birthdaughter and her amom.

Reunion must be a tough road.

Much peace to you today!