Welcome shecandoit. You have found the right place to ask your below questions and all your future ones. We adopted a boy - he was 11 yrs old when placed with us and he's 12 now. (he's been with us for 18 months now). We were home number 15 in the 8 years he was in fostercare. He was at the therapeutic level when we were matched with him and to top it off, we finalized only 10 weeks after he was in our home. Of course we only saw all of his true behaviors come week 12 and on
. It is hard to know what you can handle and what you can't. You do have to go in having some kind of idea, but quite honestly, you may not know until after you have a placement. (We fostered 3 kids prior to our preadoptive placement - so we had somewhat of a clue). Things to think about
: do you have animals? You may want to make sure not to take in kids that have a history of harm (altho I wouldn't just trust any child placed in your home). Can you handle kids that wet the bed? What about physical disabilities? or medical needs? What about kids that have sexually perped and require 24/7 supervision? You and your DH can probably come up with things you can't handle or that are clear "no's". The rest are things you only learn as you go.
For us, months 1 thru 3 were easy (honeymoon). Months 4 through 12 were VERY HARD. Months 12+ we have seen great progress (with some minor bumps), but he has really grown and blossomed. Our AS lied, stole, lied, was extremely sneaky, hid homework, lied, purposely didn't do classwork/homework, lied, was defiant at times and did I mentioned lied? He's been on restrictions, we've removed all the furniture from his room to reduce my inspection time, we did pat downs before/after school, Ive driven him to the police station to be processed for stealing a girls DS out of her backpack at school, he's written sentences, done extra chores, had to do "mommy work" to make up for classwork and homework, etc.
With all that said, yes, I would do it again in a heartbeat (oh wait I am! Im working on placement #2 as we speak with an 11yr old girl). Not sure I would have done much differently, except delayed the finalization some, so I could have gotten help more easily. My agency would have been able to provide more, instead I had to fight for services for him on my own. Other than that, following through on everything I said - good or bad, is a must. If I said I'd be there to help him in 5 mins, I was there in 5 mins not 7, even if I was on the phone or compuer. If I said, because of his behaviors we can't go to a certain activitly or location (even tho I really wanted to go), then nope, we'd stay home and he'd do chores or other consequences. I don't "threaten" anything I don't have full intention in following through. Having clear rules and adjusting them as you go and as necessary is a must. Routine, routine, routine is very effective. I really think our AS had to see that good parents really do all the things we did and that we still loved him even tho at times we were mad, disappointed and didn't like him. We also had to have different expectations of him then we would have for ourselves or other kids. We measured his successes tied to his needs and abilities. We rewarded him for his good behavior no matter how small or insignificant it may be for other kids.
Are you going for straight adoption? fost to adopt? or fostering? Im guessing straight adoptiong by your post and your advice on reading the materials. When you start to see a few narratives/profiles and would like to know what they really mean by the words they are using - ask the folks on here. They can be helpful on deciphering the lingo.
Just remember, there are a lot of good/happy ending stories to older adoption - I'd like to consider mine one of them and most others on here as well - but I know for me personally, I only posted when we had problems going on or issues/concerns with behaviors. Plus, when things are rough, you need to vent and this is definitely the place to do it. So just because there are a lot of threads and posts with complaining, venting and seeking advice for negative/bad situations... there are probably that many good things going on that people aren't posting about. I don't want to make it seem though that its not without a lot of hard work and dedication. Again the definition of what is a successful and happy family is different for everyone and with the needs and experiences older children come with, what is successful and happy may be different than what you define it as now.
Good luck and continuing researching and asking questions.